Tag: relationships

The world around us

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How do we understand that the world does not revolve around us?

That a person we barely know is behaving in an unpleasant way not to make us feel bad?

That our dearest friend is not calling anymore not because they no longer find our company pleasant?

That our boss has not picked our work not because it is of a lower quality?

That our partner is being more silent lately not because they are mad at us?

We are all main characters to our own story. Once we unlock this understanding, we can start approaching the facts of life with empathy and openness, instead of seeing them as a confirmation of our unworthiness.

It is time.

Undeserving

FabrizioLeave a comment

There’s a feeling that often arises when we achieve something we’ve been working on for long. The feeling of not deserving it.

Our minds work in a weird way.

In the very moment we should be the proudest of ourselves, when our efforts have finally turned into results, we feel like it was all a huge mistake, we really are not worthy of it, and eventually, soon, someone is going to find out and take it all away.

When that happens, do two things.

First, voice your fear. Tell it to somebody close to you and, if possible, also to somebody close to the achievement. If, for example, the achievement is professional, tell it to a colleague, or even to your boss, in case there’s enough trust established between the two of you.

Second, understand that this is what makes it important. You would not feel that for something you would not care about. The very fact you are in that position means it was an achievement worth pursuing and that it matters to you.

We can’t escape the feeling, but there’s no need to let it take control of us and govern our next moves.

Two failures

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Let me know if I can help.

Of course, this is not really establishing a relationship in which one is going to help the other. It is more of a mantra we repeat to be nice, or because we are in a position in which we are expected to help yet we have absolutely no idea how to do that (nor we want to bother figuring that out by ourselves).

In fact, it is not surprising that when an actual request follows, the person originally offering help often fails to give just that. Not because they are mean, simply because they did not intend to help in the first place. Perhaps they are busy, incompetent, unfit, disorganized, sick, committed (to something or someone else).

Let me know if I can help and the subsequent failure to help on a concrete request are two of the major failures of managers in organisations nowadays.

They are perfect, because they work wonders both in case you are one of those managers who believe it is not your job to serve – I am the boss, I can’t bother, and in case you are one of those modern managers that are all for freedom and flatness – I am very hands off, I am giving your freedom.

Next time try: Here is what I am going to do.

Figuring out what’s to be done is a job for you to complete before showing up in the conversation.

Own the story

FabrizioLeave a comment

The story you want to tell is under your control.

Of course, people might misinterpret, maliciously distort, simply not understand. And yet, at the end of the day, the story you are trying to spread (about yourself, your work, your product) is something for you to first figure out and then to consistently put out there. No matter your mood, the negative feelings, the bad beats, the facts of life, the injustice of the world, the obtuseness of others, the latest trend.

Sitting at your table hoping that others will eventually get it is fruitless.

Actually, it is most likely that by doing so the misinterpretations, the distortions, the misunderstandings will just keep growing out of proportion, until communication is no longer possible.

Always be deliberate in the way you tell your story, the seeds you plant with your actions, the way it translates in how you treat others. It’s the sole way it might eventually get through.

Illuminating

FabrizioLeave a comment

Often we keep things for ourselves because we believe they are trivial, unimportant, shallow, taken for granted. And so, we only speak when we believe we have the big insight, the great idea, the breakthrough.

This makes our working places fairly quiet.

Of course, we talk a lot with our colleagues, during coffee breaks and in open spaces, waiting for a meeting to start or as we queue at the canteen. But when the spotlight is lit on an issue, a project, a plan we refrain from speaking our mind unless we feel completely comfortable what we are going to say is flawless and smart (spoiler alert: it very rarely is!).

When the chance arises, be brave and voice your concerns. Tell about that thing they have probably thought about already, that check they have certainly done already, that scenario they most likely have considered already.

What’s trivial for yourself can be illuminating for others. That’s the nature of humans and their minds.