Tag: relationships

Communicate or manage

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Most change happens inadvertently. Some things, or more often than not many things, evolve and stop to be what they were in the beginning. Gradually, you change as well, and at some point you stop, look back, reflect, and realise that change has happened. It’s nobody’s fault (or merit), just the nature of things.

Some change happens because of an agent. That’s when a situation is no longer sustainable, and some person, or more often than not a group of people, decide to bring about change. At the beginning, it’s probably not very clear where they are going to land. But the intention is there, and eventually the context and its features are modified. Whether the agents are successful or not.

One way or the other, the people that are touched by the change rarely want to hear “this has happened”. They are often scared, they don’t know what’s going on, they see some of the fundamentals in their worldview shaken. And they want a forum where they can express all this and get some sort of reassurances. This process is part of the resistance to change, and it will happen, one way (in an organised, public way) or the other (in a dispersed, private way).

It’s the difference between communicating change and managing change.

Presence and openness

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We all have very limited capacity of understanding those situations where we are not the main character. At best, we can try to relate what others live and feel to something that once happened to us. And even when we do it, we usually miss the mark.

The first part of the problem is with the need to understand. We feel we have to understand something, relate to it, make it ours before we can actually act on it. And the second part of the problem is right there, with the desire to grab the bull by the horns and do something about the whole thing.

Empathy does not require understanding, nor action. To practice empathy you just need presence (more than merely physical) and openness.

Only when we are like that can others truly find their way.

Until they do not work anymore

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It’s urgent.

I want it this way.

Go get it done right now.

All parents know these things work. They trigger a sense of fear towards authority (actual or supposed). People want to avoid troubles – most of us do most of the time, at least. And so, forcing the hand, threatening, raising the voice. It all works.

Until it’s out of the way.

Until you leave the room.

Until next time.

Until they do not work anymore.

Compliance is by definition short term. People do what they are told for as little as needed to comply. It does not stick, and the next time you’ll have to raise the level of the threat to achieve the same.

So, if it’s change you are seeking, you should pursue it differently. Knowing the other person, their motives, their purpose, their values, and trying to fit what you are asking them to do within their frame. That’s a great place to start.

Of course, this takes time and effort. And in a moment in which everything is important, day after day, when should you start taking others seriously, listening to them, feeding into their self-motivation rather then imposing your agenda? When?

That’s up to you. It’s a choice, and you should stop hiding.

You can make it work.

Today is a great time to start.

Three books

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Three amazing books about how people make up their minds that can enhance your marketing skills.

Thinking, fast and slow – by Daniel Kahneman.

The righteous mind – by Jonathan Haidt.

Influence – by Robert Cialdini.

If you read any one of these, you’ll have a much better understanding of why talking about features and how brilliant your product is will not help you boost your sales.

Important conversations

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There’s two tactics that are very useful in preparing for an important and difficult conversation.

First, write your thoughts down. It is unbelievably useful to get what you think out of your mind. That’s how you fill the gaps in your reasoning, how you complete the story you want to tell, how you make sure that your arguments are solid. And in particular, that’s how you avoid the conversation you are about to have from being a stream of thoughts that might be difficult for the other person to interpret.

Second, talk about the issue with somebody. Other people are a great sounding board for your thoughts, feelings and ideas. They add perspective to what you have to say, and they identify the flaws in it much better than you might ever do. They are your first audience, and you should pay great attention to how they react, what words or points they focus on, and the counterarguments they make.