Tag: relationships

Few thoughts

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A bunch of random thoughts, further reflecting on my story as an expat job seeker in Finland.

When you are in a new situation, use where you’ve been to fuel the journey ahead, not as a reminder of the journey it could have been.

People need somebody who believes in them, and while you are waiting for that somebody yourself, it’s easy to forget you could be the one believing (in you and in others).

Being aware of luck is tremendously important, and helping others with the luck you are given is a great way to keep your feet on the ground.

If you are thinking about mentoring, helping, volunteering, the best thing to do is to just stop talking about it and start doing it. It’s generous, rewarding, and it does make a difference.

Strength

FabrizioLeave a comment

Next time, try this.

“I am sorry, my mistake, I could have … . Let’s move on.”

It works beautifully in any situation in which there’s friction. It unlocks empathy (most likely you’ll get a “no worries” from the other side), and it allows the conversation to move forward.

It’s better than blaming the alarm clock, the traffic, the person who’s there to serve, the colleague who’s trying to help, the boss who’s learning the ropes, the partner who’s going through your same difficulties, the bystander who seems to not get it.

And it’s true.

There’s a variety of circumstances that causes what is going to happen. Chances are there’s something you might have done to avoid causing yourself trouble.

Recognising a mistake is not the same as putting an additional burden on your fragile identity. A mistake does not mean you are bad, mean, stupid, malicious. Quite the opposite, in fact. “I am sorry” means you are present enough in the situation to care about taking the next step. It’s about owning what’s happening and being ready to shape it going forward.

“I am sorry” is a strength.

Cut

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When you are short on money.

When you are depleted.

When you simply have too much to do.

When there’s an emergency.

When your plans are at risk.

What do you cut?

A couple of things to consider.

Be in a position in which what you cut is up to you, as much as possible. Having somebody or something imposing cuts might well feel as just an additional burden, and you’ll have to cut more very soon. Make it an active decision, fight for it if necessary.

And of course, every cut sends a signal. On what you care about, what you stand for, what is important, the type of culture you want to promote and be part of, the legacy you want to leave behind.

By all means, cut. And do it conscientiously.

Keys and locks

Fabrizio1 Comment

Most people, when starting a relationship, tend to be all about themselves.

Here is what I do, here is what I think, here is where I go, here is what I like.

The hope, in this case, is to have someone on the other side of the table that finds what we have to offer interesting and that is ready to commit to it. It can happen.

The effectiveness of this approach tends to decrease as the relationship develops. And as we are not really talking about amourous relationships (though some basics are similar), even if we attempt to find more people interested and ready to commit, the self-centered tactic is clunky. Seth Godin explains it well when he compares this situation to owning a key and having to go around looking for the lock (or locks) to open.

Alternatively, we could just sit at the table and listen to what the other has to say. Understand their background, what they do, what they think, where they have been, what they like, and where they are headed. See if there’s a match, and if anything of what we’ve heard made us click, go back and continue working to make it work, until next time. In other words, finding the lock and fashion the key (always Godin).

Traditionally, the first is the way of sales and the second is the way of marketing.

I am not sure nowadays the distinction about the two departments should still be relevant (it is in many organisations, unfortunately), but certainly the difference between having the key or the lock first is fundamental when you think about going to market.

It’s the difference between being one of the many and being the only one.

Your choice.

Stay present

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If you get to a point where you decide to quit, for any reason. Or you are in a situation where you are asked to quit. Or you get rejected over and over again.

What are you going to do?

It’s very natural to want to burn down bridges, move to the mountains, and dedicate the rest of your existence to monastic life. It’s the fetal position that many of us can relate to: we have invested, we have collected less than we believe was due, we feel pain and disappointment, and we want no more of that in our lives.

Yet, after the heat of the moment is gone, the consequences of the choices we have made will stick. If we have shouted, cancelled, smashed, abandoned, insulted, publicly stated that we are done with this and that. All this, will stay.

So, if you quit, are asked to quit, or get rejected. Stay present. It will spare you a lot of time and energy that you can put towards planning and executing what’s next.