Tag: fear

Not one single line

FabrizioLeave a comment

The things you did in the past.

The people you have been around.

The way dear ones have treated you.

The level of education you have achieved.

The jobs you’ve had.

The knowledge you have accumulated.

The places you have visited.

The trauma you barely talk about.

The experiences you have shared with others.

The missing praises.

The undeserved rewards.

All we’ve been so far influences our behaviour, thoughts, feelings in the moment. And yet, they are not the moment. It’s a fundamental difference.

Life is not a straight line. It is not even one single line. You are not stuck on repeat, there’s actually plenty of choices on where to go next.

A step sideway

FabrizioLeave a comment

Categories help us make sense of the world.

And they are solid and merciless prisons.

We use categories to define ourselves and others, and we fail to understand, for the most part, that while they are a useful tool, they are fictitious. It’s way too easy to take on our shoulders the burden a full category carries with it, and it’s even easier to accuse others of misdeeds perpetrated by a generic (and often illusionary) category.

Take a step sideway the next time you use a category, whether it’s to label what you feel you are or what you feel others are. You will spot a lot more variety and will see clearly the immense power categories have on the way we perceive the world.

Communicate or manage

FabrizioLeave a comment

Most change happens inadvertently. Some things, or more often than not many things, evolve and stop to be what they were in the beginning. Gradually, you change as well, and at some point you stop, look back, reflect, and realise that change has happened. It’s nobody’s fault (or merit), just the nature of things.

Some change happens because of an agent. That’s when a situation is no longer sustainable, and some person, or more often than not a group of people, decide to bring about change. At the beginning, it’s probably not very clear where they are going to land. But the intention is there, and eventually the context and its features are modified. Whether the agents are successful or not.

One way or the other, the people that are touched by the change rarely want to hear “this has happened”. They are often scared, they don’t know what’s going on, they see some of the fundamentals in their worldview shaken. And they want a forum where they can express all this and get some sort of reassurances. This process is part of the resistance to change, and it will happen, one way (in an organised, public way) or the other (in a dispersed, private way).

It’s the difference between communicating change and managing change.

Presence and openness

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We all have very limited capacity of understanding those situations where we are not the main character. At best, we can try to relate what others live and feel to something that once happened to us. And even when we do it, we usually miss the mark.

The first part of the problem is with the need to understand. We feel we have to understand something, relate to it, make it ours before we can actually act on it. And the second part of the problem is right there, with the desire to grab the bull by the horns and do something about the whole thing.

Empathy does not require understanding, nor action. To practice empathy you just need presence (more than merely physical) and openness.

Only when we are like that can others truly find their way.

Until they do not work anymore

FabrizioLeave a comment

It’s urgent.

I want it this way.

Go get it done right now.

All parents know these things work. They trigger a sense of fear towards authority (actual or supposed). People want to avoid troubles – most of us do most of the time, at least. And so, forcing the hand, threatening, raising the voice. It all works.

Until it’s out of the way.

Until you leave the room.

Until next time.

Until they do not work anymore.

Compliance is by definition short term. People do what they are told for as little as needed to comply. It does not stick, and the next time you’ll have to raise the level of the threat to achieve the same.

So, if it’s change you are seeking, you should pursue it differently. Knowing the other person, their motives, their purpose, their values, and trying to fit what you are asking them to do within their frame. That’s a great place to start.

Of course, this takes time and effort. And in a moment in which everything is important, day after day, when should you start taking others seriously, listening to them, feeding into their self-motivation rather then imposing your agenda? When?

That’s up to you. It’s a choice, and you should stop hiding.

You can make it work.

Today is a great time to start.