Category: self-help

We are all main characters …

Fabrizio12 Comments

… to our own story.

And yet, there’s a tendency to read too much in the actions of others. As if they are mere extras in our lives, their only purpose being confirming (or more often denying) what we feel about ourselves or the way we’d like to be perceived. 

When we realise that others are the main characters to their lives, just as much as we are to our own, we understand that when they act, they do so most likely because of something that is happening to them. Not because of us, the way we are, the things we do.

If we are in doubt, we could be humble and ask.

Did you do this because of that?
Was that what you meant when you said this?
Can you explain why you acted like that?

More often than not, we’ll get confirmation that our script – the one in which they are trying to get ahead of us or stab us in the back – is just one of the millions of scripts that run in parallel in the world.

Write it down

Fabrizio3 Comments

If I am consistent enough this year and I stick to my resolution, by January next year this blog will have around 400 posts. That’s a lot of content, yet I am fairly positive that if there is one single idea you should take from this page, it is the following.

When you have something on your mind, write it down.

It might sound extreme, and I don’t mean you should write down everything that comes to your mind. Neither I am talking about to-do lists or grocery store items you need to remember next time you go to the shop.

If something sticks in your mind long enough to make it relevant for you, put it on paper (or on screen). It is valid with ideas, no matter how early stage they are. It is valid with impressions, feelings, talks, chats we want to have, changes we want to make.

When we keep things in our mind, they always make sense, as our brain automatically fills in any gap there might be to make it reasonable for us. This happens very fast, without us even noticing it. And it is dangerous, because when we eventually speak our mind, those gaps are not that easily filled with words and sensible concepts. They become chasms, and we fall into them.

Writing things down forces us to take an additional step. It not only makes space in our mind. It will also help us crystallize our thoughts, make it more likely we will take action (or not), and improve our chances to be successful with that action (or inaction).

Start here. Next time you have an important meeting, a conversation in which you want to deliver your point, a chat with a colleague you want to ask to change their mind. Write it down. Read it. Is it clear enough? What is missing? What else could you add? Write it again. Read it again. Repeat. Until you are ready.

It is one of the reasons why I re-started blogging after that long. And it’s the most important message I can leave behind.

Write it down.

Change perspective

Fabrizio2 Comments

We tend to focus on what others do to us. We live in a confrontational way. It is “me vs the boss”, “me vs the neighbour”, “me vs my partner”, “me vs the world”.

It is true that a good way to understand who we are is figuring out who we are not. Yet focusing solely and repeatedly on the behaviour of others flattens our worldview.

We end up finding patterns when we should appreciate differences, and putting the same label on very different types of circumstances.

“I have been hurt”. “I have been misunderstood”. “I have been offended”. “I have been treated unfairly”.

A way to get out of this loop is the following. The next time we feel somebody is doing something wrong to us, let’s first ask “when is the last time I did something similar myself?“. “When is the last time I have hurt somebody, misunderstood somebody, offended somebody, treated somebody unfairly?”. And then “why did I do that?”.

None of us is inherently a bad human being, if we are honest with our own behaviour and motives, we might get a very different perspective on why things happen, and even what is actually happening. And find that our narratives are harming us and others too.

Post scriptum: as I was writing, I felt the need to differentiate between day-to-day disagreements and petty disputes we have with the people around us (that is what this post is about), and abuse. Physical, mental, emotional abuse is never right, and if you are a victim of that, you should never for a moment believe that the person responsible has any good reason to do what they are doing.

Sleepless nights

Fabrizio1 Comment

Sometimes you have a big day ahead, and despite your best efforts, you just cannot fall asleep the night before.

It’s terrible, and there’s no easy way out. The more you think about every precious moment of rest you are wasting before the big day, the less you rest and the less likely it is that you will fall asleep.

So, when it’s around 3 am, you are desperately moving in search of a comfortable spot, and the neighbour (or your kid, or your cat) has decided to wake up just when you were about to close your eyes, there are some things you can work out to prepare for the day.

Start by focusing on the few items you absolutely have to deliver the next day. Keep the list as short as possible, 1-item list is the best possible list. Make it simple, and make it so it will not require a lot of energy (you will not have a lot of energy, so you are probably not going to run a marathon or single-handedly change your organisation culture that very day). Forget about the rest. It is most likely not urgent anyway.

Make a story about what happened. A real one, possibly. But if the reason you could not sleep embarrasses you, make a fake one. A story to share with people you’ll meet to explain why you look like a zombie and don’t think straight. A story to repeat to yourself. It can be as simple as “I had a harsh night”, or as elaborated as “I could not sleep well last night, because I was slightly agitated in view of today, and then when I was falling asleep, my son had a terrible nightmare and he climbed onto our bed and clung to me for the rest of the night shaking”.

Finally, remember that you had a difficult night and you are not your best self. Do not have unrealistic expectations on what you can achieve (the list will help), and repeat yourself that this is not who you usually are (the story will help). Be kind and compassionate, as in most circumstances you are the one putting pressure on yourself for the day ahead.

If you get through the day without beating yourself up too much, you’ll sleep beautifully the following night and will get started again with new energy.

Commit publicly

Fabrizio3 Comments

Another good practice related to goals and propositions is to make them publicly. It adds to the commitment and it makes it more difficult to hide.

So, here are mine for 2019.

  1. Meditate every day. I have been doing it in 2018 as well, and even though I am stronger in my practice now, I want to take the average daily meditation to at least 15-20 minutes (it is safe to say that in 2018 my average daily meditation has been between 5 and 10 minutes).

  2. Read at least 10 books. Another goal I also had in 2018 (I read 15 books in the end), and since I will have additional challenges this year, I want to commit to reading once again, as much as possible, whenever possible.

  3. Write a blog post every day. This is new, challenging, something I have been wanting to do for a while. As I said earlier, it is worth starting now.