Tag: self-improvement

Fairly and kindly

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The things you believe you do to others, you actually end up doing them to yourself.

The smart comeback to your colleague’s comment is going to hurt a relationship that is important to you.

The reply you have not sent to that important message is holding the project back and yourself accountable.

The carefully planned revenge on the person who crossed you once is taking all of your energy and focus.

The lie you are saying to get ahead this time is giving permission to others to lie to you to do the same.

The silence treatment you are giving your partner is not contributing to a relationship where you feel comfortable sharing and growing.

The only way to achieve what is important to you is to treat others fairly and kindly. The rest is just an elaborated narrative we tell ourselves to keep us from committing and moving on.

Let go and do instead.

Not going to work

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The things you say have a life of their own.

They do not fade once you are done saying them. They keep floating, and those who have heard them carry them around for an indefinite amount of time. They change in meaning. They change in strength. They change in effect.

Often they are still there once we have forgotten them. They might even become drivers for actions we later fail to understand. To our own misery.

The act of saying is anything but final. It’s a step in a process of reciprocal understanding, and we rarely do a good job with our own part.

Despite the fact we have never used it more, communication is fragile. Starting from the assumption it is not going to work is an easy way to become better at it.

Dreams

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Dreams, just like ideas, have three possible outcome.

Outcome number one. They die. You had a dream, you believed in it for a while, you do not believe in it anymore, it dies. That is what happens to most dreams. Goodbye.

Outcome number two. You keep them out. You think about them. You perfect them. When you get a piece of them, you push them further by fantasizing on an even more perfect version of them. You alienate them from the world around. You make them a central focus of your inner life and emotions without internalizing them. They get to serve a sort of function, like the carrot for the donkey: they give you purpose, and they are also the primary reason why you are often unsatisfied and sad.

Outcome number three. You bring them to your world. And it is not mainly a matter of sharing them (though you might, you should). It is mainly you adjusting them, making them grow with you (and with your world), shrinking and expanding them depending on circumstances and people, using them as a lens through which you look at your current reality. Doing this effectively basically means that you will end up living a life in which each step you take is part of the dream, because the dream is more of a purpose, it is a frame for each one of your efforts.

Dreams, just like ideas, are great starters, they boost motivation and keep the morale high for a while. What happens with them though depends on you.

The other side of the court

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When playing tennis, there are a limited amount of things you can control.

Most of them happen on your side of the court. The way you hit the ball. The angle of the racket when hitting the ball. The power and direction you want to give the ball. Whether you are going to run for the next ball or leave it be. And possibly few more.

When the ball leaves your racket, though, your part is done. There are an infinite amount of variables on the other side of the court you cannot control. The final trajectory of the ball, the response of your opponent, the call of the line umpire, the decision of the chair umpire, the impact of the weather, the variable of the net. The outcome of the shot is in large part unpredictable.

And that’s true also of your work. Whether what you do is going to be successful or not is largely not up to you.

Focus on your side, perfect what you can impact, make sure you have the best possible chances in the best possible context.

Then be happy with it. You have done your part.

Empty shells

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Have you ever written down a list of the things you do?

Particularly when you feel overwhelmed, it is useful to write down on paper the things you do regularly. Emails to write, reports to compile, meetings to attend, errands to run, people to talk to, tasks to complete, projects to finalize, and so on.

Then look at the list and ask yourself: what can I delegate?

Sure, the first instinct would probably be to say nothing! But if you think long enough, if you weight the items against your purpose and who you want to be, if you ask others what they expect of you and what they will measure you by, I am confident you will end up with quite a lot you can give away.

Most of the things you do are clutter. They give you the impression of being important, and by extension they make you feel important, but they are merely empty shells very difficult to crack. And the wonderful thing is that if you trust others and ask around, if you become generous, you will find somebody for whom those things are relevant, important, purposeful.

Make the match.

Most of us are so stuck on the short-cycles of urgency that it’s difficult to even imagine changing our longer-term systems.

Amazingly, this simple non-hack (in which you spend the time to actually avoid the shortcuts that have been holding you back) might be the single most effective work you do all year.

Seth Godin, A different urgency