Sometimes we feel strong. And then a comment, an action, a missed opportunity, an unexpected reaction makes us fall back into weakness.
Sometimes we feel weak. And then a comment, an action, an unexpected opportunity, a kind reaction makes our strength evolve to new heights.
We were not strong, we were not weak.
The most we can hope is to be aware enough to appreciate these fluctuations, and understand that in the end it was always us.
Why are you doing it?
Is it to get back at someone?
Is it a form of revenge?
Are you in it out of boredom?
Or perhaps because you feel you have no other chance.
Is it because someone is pushing you?
Or maybe because of someone else’s dream (a younger you perhaps).
If one of the above is the case, chances are that it will not work. Whatever you are doing, whatever you are up to these days, whatever you are planning for tomorrow will most likely fail if why you are doing it is because of others. In any shape or form.
Build a story from your experience, your practices, what you delivered, your purpose instead. And make it about it.
It will be your story. And it will make all the difference.
When the main driver is the fear to lose what one has achieved, most likely there will be poor decisions, regret, and misery.
We need to be able to maintain a distance from our achievements. By all means, let’s be proud of them. But also remember that our job, our role, our income, our wealth, the praises we receive, the targets we met, the network we built. They are not a measure of our worth.
Nurture practices instead, craft a purpose that gives you meaning, stick to values you feel are right. Focus on what is in your power. That’s when you realize that when you fall, your foundations are solid, and you will have plenty of occasions to start afresh.
You will also find that you will fall less and less often.
Perhaps because we are all falling all the time.
Few things we should avoid saying in response to somebody who is coming to us with an issue.
You are wrong.
Don’t worry.
You are looking at it in the wrong way.
Well, that’s life!
What were you expecting?
I have no idea what you are talking about.
It happens to me all the time, but worst.
And it’s not that we should avoid them because they are mean, or wrong, or not helpful. We should avoid them because they do not allow the space for a deep conversation to happen.
The person coming to you will not learn anything new about how they feel and what the issue exactly is. You will not learn anything new about how you feel and what the issue exactly is. And perhaps even more importantly, the next time the person will not come to you to express concern.
Try instead unlocking deeper layers with open questions.
How does that make you feel?
That sounds important, tell me more about it.
It feels like a lot to take, what do you think?
And of course, sit down and truly listen. You cannot solve this right there.
Following up on a post I wrote a while back about meetings, some top-of-mind rules to make the most out of 1-1s.
Short and frequent beats long and sporadic – 30-45 minutes every week is optimal; 45-60 minutes every two weeks is doable; 90 minutes and more every month is ineffective.
Commit to being there – If one gets cancelled, reschedule for the next day. Be present for the duration of the 1-1. Never say “I have nothing for you today”, and for sure never ever make a habit of this. What you have to do after the 1-1 is not more important.
Set a broad agenda and be flexible with it – Write down 1 or 2 points you want to discuss, but keep the agenda open in order to allow stuff to emerge. Be ready to forgo the agenda completely if the situation demands it. Always start with some informal chat about the weather, kids, weekend plans, food, and other things that might make a connection.
Listen and ask – If you are the team lead, be ready to shut up. 1-1s are for the other person to express ideas, plans, concerns, issues. They are not for you to get updates or answers, nor they are to display how much you know and how thoughtful you are. When the other person struggles to open up, probe them with open questions: “what’s on your mind?”; “what have you learned the past week?”; “how would you go about it differently next time?”; and when they are done talking, “what else?” to unlock deeper layers.
Think outside the box – If at all possible (it usually is), get out of the office. Consider having 10 minutes 1-1s every day in front of the coffee machine. Pick up the phone and call the other person, instead of meeting on Zoom or Teams. Use 5 to 10 minutes to play a game together, or discuss a book you both read. The less you make it about work, the more the other person will be willing to let go of their and your role and connect in a meaningful way.
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