Remember to balance your ability to get things your way with the fact that, on the other side, there is somebody who has just lost the trust in the relationship and their capacity.
You can push, you can order, you can yell, you can bypass, you can threaten, you can boss around. And you’ll eventually make it happen exactly how you wanted it to be.
There’s little future after that though.
We are all subject to similar stimuli. Stress, frustration, love, anger, disappointment, desire, need, anticipation, exhaustion, fear, failure, envy.
Two things matter.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
As most of the interactions with colleagues, peers, and managers happen nowadays in written form – chat, email, articles -, this study provides a good guidance on how to avoid that a conversation will turn awry.
Being direct, starting with “you”, and focusing on facts are sure ways to make an exchange heated. On the other hand, being polite, using opinions, and expressing gratitude will keep an argument on track.
Kindness pays off.
Even when writing.
The impulse to control, dictate, micro-manage is strong.
We just have to think carefully at what happens when we do it.
Example: a colleague is planning to send out an important email. You submit to the impulse and ask to review it first. The colleague obliges and shares a draft with you. You once again submit to the impulse and, since you do not really have time for this, give them some broad feedback about tone of voice and points to make. They edit the draft and send it back. For the third time, you submit to the impulse and go deep with comments, edits, and formatting. They end up sending your version.
The results.
That is a lot of negativity spread around just because you once sent out an email that – in that particular context – turned out to get a pretty positive response.
Change is weird.
When all is calm, we are alright, we feel safe and secure, even a tiny bit of it makes us freak out. We want to maintain control, we want routine, we want more of what is already working. And we want to pretend it will work forever.
When we are in the middle of a storm, instead. When we have problems, we feel discomfort, when we are not even sure that what we are doing is what we want, then we tend to seek it as a panacea. We go after new things, forgetting what we have achieved, and pretend the exact same problems, discomfort, uncertainty will not happen again. No matter where we end up.
There is value in preparing when things are quiet. Incrementally changing our habits, spending time seeking within, adding a small new piece every day. So when the storm hits, we are ready to welcome it, stay with it, learn from it.
Take control of change. It will serve you well.
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