Tag: relationships

A word of encouragement

FabrizioLeave a comment

If you are about the long term. If you put in the work, every day, relentlessly, even though there is no guarantee of success. If you care about the way things are done more than you care about the things done. If somebody watching you does not change the way you behave. If you spend time trying to understand what went wrong and how you can make it better, before you jump on to the next thing. If you are focused, fierce in giving attention just to the things that matter. If you know that fear is just another way to understand what you should do. If you feel that others around you are living through the same pains and joys, excitements and disappointments, ups and downs, and that for this reason they deserve the same respect on their path as you do on your. If you believe in your resources and know that, eventually, things are going to turn out just fine.

It is going to be difficult.

The World we live in does not respect the way you see it. And that is ok. Just go ahead, grind, continue, persist, do not give up. We need you.

Be the one who moves and turns

FabrizioLeave a comment

Had an interesting conversation with a colleague today, that quickly turned into a topic that I consider very important nowadays. For our personal life, for our professional life, for our life as human beings walking on the World.

I feel the public discourse is flattening to a very dangerous extent.

It’s not only a matter of polarization, it’s mainly a continuous repetition of the flaws of the other side. It might seem, on the surface, that there is a desire to change the other’s opinion or behaviour. But what I find appalling is that actually there is more of a desire to just repeat what was said yesterday, in an endless loop that leaves everybody in the same place they where before. There is no progress. Because the target of what is said is increasingly the people that have our own same opinion.

We have stopped trying to understand what led us here. We are just repeating mantras (“fake news” vs “racist”, “America first” vs “globalism”, “tremendous economy” vs “devastating inequalities”) that resonate with the people that are already on our side. Be it because we need to sell more, because we need to keep the votes, or because we need to constantly re-affirm our self and group identity.

So, the question is: do we care?

If we don’t, that’s fine, we are on the right path.

If we do, I have an idea to share. It’s not mine, I believe it is a Buddhist idea, and I have heard it narrated by Pema Chödrön.

She tells the story of two people that meet, and start talking. They talk about what they see, the World they know. One is facing the ocean, and tells about the greatness of it, the beauty of its blue, the smell of the water. One is facing a forest, and tells of how dense it is, how tall the trees are, how incredible it would be to venture there. They soon end up arguing, as they cannot find a common perspective. Until the one facing the ocean moves to the side of the other and turns. And then, they start describing the forest together.

If you do care. If you seek change. If you want to move past the terrible impasse that is sucking up our future. Be the one who moves and turns. Find the other’s perspective.

P.S.: I am sorry I could not find the exact quote and link from Pema Chodron. I might have changed the characterization a bit, but I am confident the one I shared has the same underlying meaning. Should I find it, I will make sure to update this post.

 

 

Busyness is laziness

Fabrizio7 Comments

As counter intuitive as it might sound, I find this Buddhist teaching very relevant to the World we live in today.

“I am busy” is a story we all tell ourselves and others, and it is a very convenient way to avoid facing what matters and the reality of everyday. We hide behind a wall of importance and hectic behaviour. And this is particularly serious, I believe, when “I am busy” is no longer a way to describe our current, temporary status, but a way to tell about who we are and how feel.

When you are too busy to honor your highest priorities – which are understanding your life, discovering your wisdom, and offering your heart – that is a sign that you’ve let something slip because of laziness.

Susan Piver, Start Here Now

Next time somebody is asking “how are you?”, avoid the “I am busy” trap and take a moment to reflect on how you actually feel and what is appropriate to share with the other (and how). That might start a very different conversation than the unsympathetic one we got used to. And it might also be a nice way to begin rethinking your priorities and what to dedicate time to from there on.

Putting into boxes

Fabrizio3 Comments

There’s a lot of power in categories. They help us make sense of the World around us, understand each other, feel safe in situations in which we normally would not, as well as feel unrest when we step into something that is listed in one category we are not comfortable with.

Yet we should never forget that categories are made up. They are not real, in the sense that they do not exist before we attach a meaning (both literal and figurative) to them.

This means mainly two things.

In approaching others, we should maintain our categories flexible. Both the ones in which we think we fit and the ones in which we think the other fits. We must be careful in taking all the background of a category with us when we enter a new situation. It might greatly limit our experience and not do the other justice.

And if we do not like the category in which we have been put, we should be aware that it  is possible to shift its meaning. Perhaps initially it will change for us only, and that would already be a great achievement. But if we are consistent enough with the new narrative and how we present it, if we gather a following, and if it sticks, in the long term, little by little, we might actually be successful at a much larger scale.

Nothing is fixed and forever, so let’s put categories back to their rightful place. Categories should work for us, they should not get us all worked up.

 

Back to the basics

Fabrizio2 Comments

A couple of old frameworks to help think about communication, at a moment when communication is everything and is greatly misunderstood.

First, the maxims of Grice.

Quality – Make your contribution one that is true.
Quantity – Make your contribution as informative as is required (no more).
Relevance – Make your contribution relevant, pertinent to the discussion.
Manner – Make your contribution clear, brief, orderly, avoid obscurity and ambiguity.

Then, the Buddhist four gates of speech.

Is what I have to say true?
Is what I have to say necessary?
Is what I am saying kind?
Is it the right time?

Writing, speaking, in general communicating without having these in mind generates weak and unaffecting communication.