Tag: relationships

Giving

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Why do you give?

Option number 1 is, because by giving you expect the other(s) to feel obliged to giving you back at some point. For as bad and opportunistic as this sounds, we often approach giving from this standpoint, believing our action will lead to some sort of return at a later moment in time. Working hard to get a promotion is a good and quite common example.

Option number 2 is, because by giving you expect the other(s) to feel inspired to giving back at some point. You have certainly noticed the two tiny yet important differences: first of all, inspiration is a better call to action than obligation; secondly, you remove yourself from being the recipient of the giving back. Working hard to set a high standard for others to aspire to (no matter when, where, and how they’ll get there) is a good and fairly uncommon example.

Option 1 binds others to your plans, option 2 frees them to find their own way to fulfill their act of giving. Option 1 sets you for disappointment and others for dissatisfaction, option 2 sets you for amazement and others for discovery. Option 1 understands work for a reward, option 2 is work for the sake of doing work.

Be mindful when you choose.

Unreal

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The expectations we set for others are often so unrealistic that would we set them for ourselves, we would immediately get stuck.

We are not in the best position to say what others should or should not do, what they should or should not believe in, how they should or should not treat us. The most we can do is picture a fictitious setting in our mind, and then play out a scene in which we are deus ex machina. Of course then, what we would do there would be perfect, flawless, impeccable. And again, unrealistic.

Everyone is the main character to their own movie. We should aim at being a gentle one, one that is freed from the hard-wired desire to judge every situation, one that would lend an helping hand rather than point an accusatory finger. In the movie that is life, that’s the type of person you want around.

Early mornings

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Of the people I get to talk to, there is not one who does not praise the effectiveness of working early mornings, late afternoons, and weekends.

Clearly, there’s nothing special with early mornings, late afternoons, and weekends. A part from the fact that it’s quite. That you have no meetings, no one calling to ask for a favour, nobody stopping at your desk to tell you about their last weekend, no system updates, no colleague Skyping that customer with a faulty internet connection, no need to sync or strategize.

Somewhere along the way towards openness, transparency and flatness, we have lost track of the importance of focus. Lack of focus is one of the main reasons why employees are not productive, creative and innovative. The way the organization structures their working spaces, their calendars, their updates, and their breaks is a major driver of all this.

Commit, don’t promise

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Committing is a personal matter. It is about dedicating one’s resources to an idea, a plan, a project. It involves going through the different possibilities and scenarios, the different allocations of time, energy, money, and picking one we feel we can give ourselves to. This is also the reason why committing publicly is so important. The moment we share our commitment with others, the commitment is still our (personal), and yet our very own personality is in jeopardy until we deliver. This is a powerful force to get things done.

Promising is different. A promise is always influenced by someone else, and that is the opposite of personal. You promise to change a status of the world because others are affected (negatively or positively) by that status, and yet not necessarily there are resources invested in the moment you are promising. Promising publicly is a pleonasm, as a promise is always done to someone else. Promising is easy, and that makes it also a powerful force to not get things done.

Commitment is about understanding what’s important and devote to it.

Promise is about grasping what’s urgent and put a temporary patch to it.

Shit

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We all go through the same shit.

That does not mean our pain, despair, fights, passions are all the same, indistinct reasons why we feel miserable. It means that most likely others can relate to it. Can understand. Can empathize. And it also means that we are not alone, not in our suffering.

So, the first thing to do is talk about it. Reach out to a friend, a family member, a doctor, somebody in this deep sea of misunderstanding we can relate to. Talk honestly and don’t hold back.

And the second thing to do, arguably the most difficult, is to listen when we are on the receiving end of a request of help.