Tag: relationships

Different languages

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Sometimes, when talking to someone, you have the feeling you are speaking different languages.

And most likely, you are.

Perhaps you are talking about emotions and values, while they are talking about next week’s plans. Perhaps you want to nail down the details for the next events, while they are questioning if an event should be organized in the first place. Perhaps you are seeking guidance and wisdom, while they are just having a harsh period and all they can give is a condescending nod.

When this happens, the best thing you can do is to stop it right there. Not because you are right and they are wrong, not because you want to make a point, not because you are running late for your next meeting. Simply because it is a dead-end street.

Next time try negotiating the terms of the conversation right at the beginning, or even better when scheduling it.

I am seeking advice here.

I want to get a list of three actions we are going to take to move this forward.

I feel uncomfortable and demotivated, and I would like to have an open chat about my feelings.

I need to know what you are going to know about this.

Agree on a common ground, and things might end up in a better place.

The lazy approach

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The lazy approach to communication mandates that you pick a new tool. And it will fail, because communication is about choosing what to communicate, how often, on which channels, to whom, while making whose who communicate accountable.

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you send an email. And it will fail, because communication works better face to face, over a period of time, in a two-way fashion, and when people communicating are actually open to changing their plans based of feedback.

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you go around the room. And it will fail, because communication needs an agenda, a plan, preparation, somebody who ensures we stick to the plan, somebody who takes the responsibility to cut others short.

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you speak your mind. And it will fail, because nobody wants to listen to you rambling while you attempt to clarify your opinion, your idea, your thoughts in front of an audience, just because you could not take ten minutes to write something down in advance.

Communication is hard work. And companies should stop half-assing it.

Contradiction

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Every father (every parent, to be fair) learns to live with a sort of contradiction.

On one side, you know your kids are the most important thing in life. You would do anything for them, and in many cases you do. You put them first when you plan, you consider their feelings and needs to an extent you have never before experienced. You change your habits, your routines, your hobbies, and your interests.

On the other side, you gradually learn that you are the most important thing in their lives. That your sacrifice is often not needed, and sometimes even counterproductive. That your stretching yourself too thin means your kids will have to deal with a cranky and angry adult. And they will learn that’s how you are supposed to behave. That planning half an hour to do your stuff, undisturbed, will allow you to dedicate your full attention to them for the following couple of hours.

And so, we live with this contradiction, we struggle to find a balance, we tell ourselves stories. Until we realize that it is not a contradiction at all. No one who does not take care of themselves can expect to have a healthy relationship with anybody, let alone kids.

You put yourself first, to put them first.

Happy Father’s Day (in the Nordic Countries, at least)!

Lows and highs

Fabrizio1 Comment

There is no growth without crisis, and you cannot sow seeds without breaking the ground first.

Every low, no matter how desperate it might look, can be followed by the highest high you have ever experienced. No guarantee on the timing, but if you stay present, if you learn, if you develop, if you continue on the path you have chosen, if you open up, if you extend a hand, if you respect and appreciate, eventually the moment will come.

And when that will happen, you’ll have it confirmed that where you were is more important than where you are now. It is the journey that makes the destination, not the other way around.

Change starts within

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Change is inevitable, constant, and necessary.

And when you think about being an agent of change, there is one simple thing that is worth remembering: start with yourself.

Changing yourself is possible, it is under your control, and chances are that by changing yourself you are also going to change the people and the world around you.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

Rumi