Gentleness

Understanding what is happening within has one sole purpose.

Gentleness.

When it becomes clear where your actions and reactions come from, what’s behind the patterns you keep falling in, why it is so difficult to be a certain way and do a certain thing. Then you can relax.

That is not the same as giving up, or finding excuses. Actually, the moment you accept the trigger for what it is (a thought, a situation, a feeling, a sensation) and refuse to label it as “me” and “reality”, is the moment you can open to proactivity. Good thing will come from it.

Finding new stories

We often misjudge the relationship between cause and effect.

I have been fine being lazy all my life, but since I started exercising, it’s one injury after the other.

I have always had a job, but since immigrants started pouring into our country, I cannot find anything that’s worth my time.

I have never felt remorse from trying to be better than others, but since I began listening to people, now I am stuck and cannot progress in my career.

That’s what I have always done, so why should I change now?

The reasons we find to justify our behaviour, or the lenses we use to look into the past, are never neutral. We want to feel what we are doing or did is ok, and we do our best to find reasons not to have to change.

The world around us, though, does not matter about cause and effect. Time passes, societies evolve, technology progresses, relationships degrade, people leave, and we might very easily find ourselves in a world that we struggle to comprehend.

And at this very moment, we have a choice. We can find fake comfort in the stories we have told ourselves so far or we can go out with an open heart to find new stories.

I’ll go back to being lazy to make sure I continue staying healthy or I’ll continue exercising, taking into account the fact my body is not used to it, and I might have to take it easier in the beginning.

I’ll fight against immigration to make sure there’s a job for me or I’ll check if I can update my skills to better match the needs of the modern world.

I’ll stop listening and caring about people so to make sure I can get an edge or I’ll make an attempt to help people be better at what they are doing, and who knows what opportunities might open up for me.

If you are brave enough to choose what’s new, that does not mean you have to repudiate the old at the same time. It is part of you, of the person you have become, and there’s no reason to reject of forget it.

Just don’t build around yourself a prison made of what’s been. Use it as a stepping stone to leap into what will be.

Just a small part

When faced with bad news, there’s a natural reaction that almost automatically kicks in.

It’s about making the bad news the totality of our reality. We feel discomfort, pain, despair, because we have just been told that something does not conform to the idea(s) we had about our life. And we often take this to the extreme. We amplify the discomfort, the pain, the despair. It becomes all we see around us and perceive within us. We go to a dark place.

And that is fine.

As long as we know that is not true. The discomfort, the pain, the despair, they are just a part of our reality. A small part indeed. So the following step, that is all but automatic and instictive, is to look at things around us for what they really are.

Ok, we did not get the job, and still we have that hobby we always wanted to dedicate time to.

Ok, our relationship is shattered, and still we have a dear friend that deeply cares about us.

Ok, our body is not working as it should, and still our mind is present, vibrant, open.

The second step is not about being optimistic. It’s about realizing that things happen to us all the time, a neverending flow. And that focusing all our attention, energy, commitment to a single one of them, no matter how bad, is a limit to expressing the potential of each life.

The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is, there’s no ground.

Chögyam Trungpa

The illusion

The first time I was in a leadership role, I struggled very much to understand the unwanted consequences of what a leader says and does.

The illusion is often that you can still behave like a peer, or a friend.

Yet people will look for direction, not for jokes. They will look for reassurance, not for stress. They will look for development, not for undirected and generic feedback.

Grasp this soon when you become a leader, and understand that your words and actions are now under a different type of scrutiny. The whole team will benefit from it.

In search of a sweet spot

Taking responsibility is important, and it shouldn’t mean we have to beat ourselves up.

Not beating ourselves up is wonderful, and it shouldn’t mean we don’t have to take responsibility.

There’s a sweet spot we are looking for here.

It’s the point at which we understand that things happening are never fully one’s fault, we recognize that we had a role in making the situation what it is, and we attempt to move forward with a small or big improvement. Possibly, bringing the others involved along with us on the same path.