Tag: empowerment

Parenting and leadership

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I would not go as far as saying that people with no kids cannot make a good leader, and yet certainly being a parent gives an edge on others when it comes to leading people.

There are few things that being a father tought me, and that I could translate basically 1:1 to my leadership roles.

First, it’s not about you. The moment you become a parent, you realize you are the least important person around. You don’t do parenting by being a prima donna, as you don’t do leadership by attracting the spotlights. And there’s more to it. You soon understand that while you are on your way out (not matter how old you are and how recently you have been promoted), the people you are helping develop are the future. The way you teach them will have a tremendous impact on what they will do in the world and how they will do it.

Second, don’t fall in love with your ideas. If you are a parent, you know plans change. No matter how much you want to go to the fair, or to the lake, or to the museum, something will most likely happen, and you’ll have to find an alternative despite your disappointment or anger. Flexibility and open mindedness are key when you are in charge of others, as is setting some kind of distance between yourself, your satisfaction, your success on one side, and your thoughts and ideas on the other.

Third, you have to show up. Parenting, as leadership, is not something you can switch off when you do not feel like doing it, when your head hurts, when you are exhausted (for perfectly legitimate reasons). You can’t hide in a room (or in a office) and pretend things are the way you want them to be. This also means that, as there’s no rest, you need to become good at taking your breathing moments without abandoning the ship.

Fourth, you are looked up to. If you have kids, you know how much of what you say and what you do they assimilate. It is often puzzling to me seeing myself through the eyes of my kids, as they play make believe, or as they react to certain situations in ways that are way too familiar to me. There’s so many people in leadership positions that think that what they say and what they do does not matter, because eventually everyone is free to make their own choices and be their true selves. Particularly in the short term, the way authority behaves is the way people around authority will behave.

Fifth and last, you get to clean a lot of shit. It’s not only a funny ending to this blog post, it’s more about taking responsibility for others’ behaviors. If your kid punches another kid at the park, you don’t say “ok, go clean your mess!”. You make sure the other is ok, you apologize and make your kid apologize, you might go as far as talk to the other’s parent to apologize once again and make sure everything is alright. And you take it on yourself to follow up and explain why that was not good and how kind people behave in that situation.

Giving

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Why do you give?

Option number 1 is, because by giving you expect the other(s) to feel obliged to giving you back at some point. For as bad and opportunistic as this sounds, we often approach giving from this standpoint, believing our action will lead to some sort of return at a later moment in time. Working hard to get a promotion is a good and quite common example.

Option number 2 is, because by giving you expect the other(s) to feel inspired to giving back at some point. You have certainly noticed the two tiny yet important differences: first of all, inspiration is a better call to action than obligation; secondly, you remove yourself from being the recipient of the giving back. Working hard to set a high standard for others to aspire to (no matter when, where, and how they’ll get there) is a good and fairly uncommon example.

Option 1 binds others to your plans, option 2 frees them to find their own way to fulfill their act of giving. Option 1 sets you for disappointment and others for dissatisfaction, option 2 sets you for amazement and others for discovery. Option 1 understands work for a reward, option 2 is work for the sake of doing work.

Be mindful when you choose.

Insecure

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If you feel insecure, say it out loud.

The alternative is to try to take control of everything, check that work is done according to your taste, grab both strategy and execution, possibly move from one place to the next without achieving nothing that is worth sharing, shout in the face of those who bear no responsibility, be kind with those who bear plenty, judge for the fear of being judged, diminish others to maintain the feeling to be on top.

If you feel insecure, say it out loud. While people tend to stay clear from the behaviour listed above, they appreciate vulnerability and the capacity to own one’s own feelings. Furthermore, the moment you name it is the moment you start getting more secure. And a whole new world will open for you.

200

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Today is my 200th post on this blog.

As I write day after day, I realize there are two broad topics that I enjoy to focus on. Strictly interrelated, but different.

The first one is about awareness. Understanding who we are as persons. It has a lot to do with soul-searching, empowering us to deeply grasp what we are around for, what we set out to do, why that matters to us. It is a curious aspect, as most people are not really into it. We have the tendency to focus our efforts and attention on action, rather than reflection. I was definitely not into it, until a few years back.

The second one is about practice. Do what you are doing, for the reasons and with the determination you have shed light upon with reflection. Be consistent with it, not letting failures or defeats interrupt the flow. Or in case you get to interrupt it for any reasons, understanding that it is not the end of who you are, and the things you practice will still be there for you once you are ready to commit to them anew.

The two are inseparable, they are in constant dialogue: doing things without understanding the reasons why you are doing them, or knowing who you are without expressing yourself in the world in some ways, is sad and disappointing.

The real magic happens when there is alignment between awareness and practice. It is not a thing for the moment, rather something to approach with long term in mind. And yet, there’s no better moment to start than right now.

Unreal

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The expectations we set for others are often so unrealistic that would we set them for ourselves, we would immediately get stuck.

We are not in the best position to say what others should or should not do, what they should or should not believe in, how they should or should not treat us. The most we can do is picture a fictitious setting in our mind, and then play out a scene in which we are deus ex machina. Of course then, what we would do there would be perfect, flawless, impeccable. And again, unrealistic.

Everyone is the main character to their own movie. We should aim at being a gentle one, one that is freed from the hard-wired desire to judge every situation, one that would lend an helping hand rather than point an accusatory finger. In the movie that is life, that’s the type of person you want around.