Tag: empathy

Solution mode

Fabrizio2 Comments

Few things we should avoid saying in response to somebody who is coming to us with an issue.

You are wrong.

Don’t worry.

You are looking at it in the wrong way.

Well, that’s life!

What were you expecting?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

It happens to me all the time, but worst.

And it’s not that we should avoid them because they are mean, or wrong, or not helpful. We should avoid them because they do not allow the space for a deep conversation to happen.

The person coming to you will not learn anything new about how they feel and what the issue exactly is. You will not learn anything new about how you feel and what the issue exactly is. And perhaps even more importantly, the next time the person will not come to you to express concern.

Try instead unlocking deeper layers with open questions.

How does that make you feel?

That sounds important, tell me more about it.

It feels like a lot to take, what do you think?

And of course, sit down and truly listen. You cannot solve this right there.

One on one

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Following up on a post I wrote a while back about meetings, some top-of-mind rules to make the most out of 1-1s.

Short and frequent beats long and sporadic – 30-45 minutes every week is optimal; 45-60 minutes every two weeks is doable; 90 minutes and more every month is ineffective.

Commit to being there – If one gets cancelled, reschedule for the next day. Be present for the duration of the 1-1. Never say “I have nothing for you today”, and for sure never ever make a habit of this. What you have to do after the 1-1 is not more important.

Set a broad agenda and be flexible with it – Write down 1 or 2 points you want to discuss, but keep the agenda open in order to allow stuff to emerge. Be ready to forgo the agenda completely if the situation demands it. Always start with some informal chat about the weather, kids, weekend plans, food, and other things that might make a connection.

Listen and ask – If you are the team lead, be ready to shut up. 1-1s are for the other person to express ideas, plans, concerns, issues. They are not for you to get updates or answers, nor they are to display how much you know and how thoughtful you are. When the other person struggles to open up, probe them with open questions: “what’s on your mind?”; “what have you learned the past week?”; “how would you go about it differently next time?”; and when they are done talking, “what else?” to unlock deeper layers.

Think outside the box – If at all possible (it usually is), get out of the office. Consider having 10 minutes 1-1s every day in front of the coffee machine. Pick up the phone and call the other person, instead of meeting on Zoom or Teams. Use 5 to 10 minutes to play a game together, or discuss a book you both read. The less you make it about work, the more the other person will be willing to let go of their and your role and connect in a meaningful way.

Step aside

Fabrizio1 Comment

Most of the pressure we feel is of our own making.

When we manage to take a step aside and ask important questions (why do I want this? what do I need? what is the worst thing that could happen?) we find the space to breath.

People in our lives are fine with attention and kindness. All we add on top of that is up to us.

Your loss

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Writing things down, making a public commitment, pinning an item on the calendar.

To some these actions mean being one step farther to actually doing.

It is a form of resistance. It does not matter if we are in charge or if someone else is in charge. The very same moment we are saying “I am going to do it”, an almost unconscious reaction is triggered that goes the opposite way: “I am not going to do it”.

The only cure is to deeply understand that no one cares.

Your boss might be disappointed, they will still be your boss. Your company might lose some money, they will most likely survive. Your friends are going to stop relying on you, and go find other friends. Your project will probably be delayed, and your audience is going to seek something else to give attention to.

The only one person who has deeply to lose from this behavior is you.

Agree and disagree

Fabrizio3 Comments

Always make an effort to start with what you agree on.

We are wired to focus on the negative feedback, on the opposite opinions, on the rejections, on the new ideas. And so, we need intention to spot agreement.

Next time you get a difficult email, a new plan, a lengthy piece of feedback, a written comment, the notes from a difficult conversation, the minutes of a heated meeting. Print it out, take two markers of different color, highlight what you agree on with one and what you disagree on with the other.

Be honest and impartial. You will have set yourself on a learning path.