Category: self-help

Putting into boxes

Fabrizio3 Comments

There’s a lot of power in categories. They help us make sense of the World around us, understand each other, feel safe in situations in which we normally would not, as well as feel unrest when we step into something that is listed in one category we are not comfortable with.

Yet we should never forget that categories are made up. They are not real, in the sense that they do not exist before we attach a meaning (both literal and figurative) to them.

This means mainly two things.

In approaching others, we should maintain our categories flexible. Both the ones in which we think we fit and the ones in which we think the other fits. We must be careful in taking all the background of a category with us when we enter a new situation. It might greatly limit our experience and not do the other justice.

And if we do not like the category in which we have been put, we should be aware that it  is possible to shift its meaning. Perhaps initially it will change for us only, and that would already be a great achievement. But if we are consistent enough with the new narrative and how we present it, if we gather a following, and if it sticks, in the long term, little by little, we might actually be successful at a much larger scale.

Nothing is fixed and forever, so let’s put categories back to their rightful place. Categories should work for us, they should not get us all worked up.

 

Back to the basics

Fabrizio2 Comments

A couple of old frameworks to help think about communication, at a moment when communication is everything and is greatly misunderstood.

First, the maxims of Grice.

Quality – Make your contribution one that is true.
Quantity – Make your contribution as informative as is required (no more).
Relevance – Make your contribution relevant, pertinent to the discussion.
Manner – Make your contribution clear, brief, orderly, avoid obscurity and ambiguity.

Then, the Buddhist four gates of speech.

Is what I have to say true?
Is what I have to say necessary?
Is what I am saying kind?
Is it the right time?

Writing, speaking, in general communicating without having these in mind generates weak and unaffecting communication.

The worst thing that could happen

Fabrizio7 Comments

What is the worst thing that could happen?

I used to ask myself this question when I was younger, thinking of myself as a pessimist. Later on in life, I understood that it is actually a very stoic question to ask, and I have started sharing it also with people who seek my advice or are just kind enough to share their experience with me.

Fear should not stop us making the World a better place.

Most often, the difference between what we fear and what really is dangerous is immense. And so, what is the worst thing that could happen? is a great question to ask yourself when you start feeling some unrest in your body because you are in a situation that is not familiar to you. Or when you anticipate some crisis that might, or might not, come.

There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality. I am not speaking with you in the Stoic strain but in my milder style. For it is our Stoic fashion to speak of all those things, which provoke cries and groans, as unimportant and beneath notice; but you and I must drop such great-sounding words, although, heaven knows, they are true enough. What I advise you to do is, not to be unhappy before the crisis comes; since it may be that the dangers before which you paled as if they were threatening you, will never come upon you; they certainly have not yet come.

Seneca, On Groundless Fear

Before the fear to speak up at the next meeting with senior managers stops you from sharing your idea or your concern, ask yourself what the worst thing that could happen is.

Before you avoid going to that place that you like, fearing to meet that unpleasant person, or to find yourself in an unpleasant situation, ask yourself what the worst thing that could happen is.

Before you surrender giving that speech, or sending that email, or making that call, or showing up, because sure, things could go wrong, ask yourself what the worst thing that could happen is.

When you give a shape, a smell, a contour, a name to what you fear, you will find you are unstoppable.

The theory of empathy

Fabrizio2 Comments

To most people, empathy does not come natural. It certainly does not come natural to me. For many years, I have had the tendency to put myself at the centre of the World. Everything that happened was, to some extent, because of me.

People were certainly acting in a certain way because they wanted to signal something to me. My friend had stopped calling because for sure they did not want to hang out with me any more. My boss was being cranky because she did not like my job and was about to fire me. My girlfriend was being cold because clearly she was not interested in me anymore. And so on.

This slowly built up a worldview according to which it was very difficult for me to be empathic. On one side, the others were mostly being negative. On the other, they were being negative because of me, and so I was also unworthy of their interest, friendship, trust, love.

Raise you hand if this situation sounds familiar.

I had to train myself in empathy. Here is what Wikipedia says about empathy.

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.

Sounds intimidating just by reading it.

The first step I took was to start asking people about their motives. What I found floored me. In 99.9% of the cases, I was not the reason why they were acting in a certain way. I found, actually, that most people had feelings that I was very familiar with, or were living through situations that I had also lived through in the past.

After I started approaching meditation, and to some extent a more Buddhist take on life, one theme resonated with me. We are all going through the same distress. Even though our lives are different, even if some have more and some have less, even if some are alone and some are not, even if some live in some place and some in another. We are all challenged by the attempt to make sense of a World that is senseless.

When you understand that what you feel, what you think, what you live is an experience you have in common with other human beings, that is the moment empathy unlocks.

I am still learning, and it is easy to fall back to certain patterns, easier than one would care to admit. Real empathy is one of the most needed characteristics in today’s World, and what is incredible about it, is that it expands in a sense of belonging like no other I ever experienced before.

Good luck on your path.

Take a step back

Fabrizio1 Comment

When you get stuck, your instinct tells you to find a way out.

And so you delve deeper into what you were doing and got you stuck in the first place, you wrestle with what you don’t get, tirelessly digging a path in the hope that the answer is at the end of it. You spend time, energy and focus looking at the problem, and the more you do it, the less it seems feasible. Not once I have managed to get untangled this way.

Instead, you could take a break. You could go for a walk, call a friend, have a cup of coffee. And then, when you go back, you could look at the problem’s contours, trying to refine them, make them more comfortable for you, even finish something around the problem you said you would have finished later. You are making it more presentable and ready to be tackled.

At this point, one of two things happen.

Perhaps you get your answer. It might come unexpected, as your mind was not really looking for it.

Or you realize that the problem was not really THE problem. That you had fears, expectations, doubts, concerns. All preventing you to look at things for what they really were. A mere block. And then you can continue with your work.

Until you get stuck again.

Repeat.