Category: self-help

We know what to do

Fabrizio1 Comment

We know what to do in most situations.

We know that when we approach a potential customer, we should focus on their story, not on our.

We know that when we plan which channels to use for our marketing tactics, we should be selective and carefully craft our messages.

We know that culture eats strategy for breakfast, and that employees are attracted by purpose and leadership, and that losing a talented person is much worse than losing the manager that made them quit.

We know we should be nice with each other, do not fill our calendars with appointments, be respectful of other people’s agendas, avoid showing up late and being distracted by our phone when somebody is sharing something with us.

We know a great deal of things. And yet, most of us fail at the same very things.

There are different reasons why this is so. It’s certainly partly due to our laziness. Partly it’s the fact our focus is misplaced. Partly it’s because we get carried away and we lose control.

And the biggest part, is us feeling we are special. There’s certainly something we know and that all others before us have missed. Our situation is unique, and we will succeed where everybody else has failed. This time, this time only, it is going to be different, and the rest of the world is going to see what I am, where I am at, why it’s important and follow me blindly.

Open your eyes. That is (almost) never the case. If you just stick to doing it, you will still end up a whole lot better off. And people around you will as well.

Good job

FabrizioLeave a comment

Good job is like good customer service. Nobody notices it.

If you show up on time, at the right place, properly dressed, prepared and ready to deliver your presentation, nobody is going to praise you for that.

And yet, it is still important and valuable. You have not let others down, you have not taken them to the breaking point, you have not made them complain about your lateness and unpreparedness.

Be sure you understand when to expect an explicit praise and when the praise is implicit. Better still, just deliver your best job without ever expecting a praise.

Two categories of things

Fabrizio2 Comments

There are only two categories of things.

Things you have control over and things you do not have control over.

The things you have control over are a few. You can decide to do or not do something, you can decide what is important to you and what not, you can decide you like some things and not others. Even though it might seem you don’t, you also have control over your opinions, judgements, desires and aversions.

The things you do not have control over are quite many. For example, whether your action (or inaction) leads to a certain outcome is mostly out of our power. Also, whether others agree with you, share your same point of view, believe you are funny, beautiful, charismatic, boring, distasteful, and so. And, say the thing you like the most in the world is suddenly going to change, in shape, colour, taste, smell, packaging, quality. Yes, it is mostly out of your power.

Turns out most of the things we believe are important are in the second category. Money, success, reputation, a nice house, a beautiful family, meaningful social relationships. Sure, we can act in ways to facilitate one outcome over another, yet eventually what the outcome will be depends on factors different than our sole will.

If we turn the focus on what we have control over, instead, and close the loop there, we open to a life of satisfaction.

The point of going to the gym is not being healthy, it is going to the gym.
The point of doing good work is not getting a promotion, it is doing good work.
The point of writing is not being read, or being published, or selling millions of copies. It is writing.

And so on.

No strings attached

FabrizioLeave a comment

“After all I’ve done for you” is something we say in the heat of the moment. And of course, it is a poor argument, a petty way to make the other feel guilty for something they have done.

Giving is not measurable and should never be treated like putting money in the bank. It’s not a transaction, something you can withdraw at some point in time, and expect to have it untouched.

When we give advice, support, help, time, energy, suggestion, even a gift, we could do it unconditionally. No strings attached. Giving is already making us feel good, there is no need to add a possible future reward to the mix.

So, instead of “after all I’ve done for you”, we could attempt to get better in touch with our feelings and explain more in details what is wrong.

“I have seen you do this, and it does not make me feel alright.”
“I am angry, because this came unexpected.”
“I am sad, as you have done something you know I generally do not support.”
“I demand honesty from our relationship, and the fact you are lying now really hurts me.”

Thank you

FabrizioLeave a comment

I have been blessed to have many outstanding women around me at all times in my life so far. From different generations, backgrounds, walks of life. They have taught me a huge deal, and they have ultimately contributed to make of me the person, the husband, the father and the godfather I am today.

Thank you, and Happy International Women’s Day.