Category: culture

I agree, but

Fabrizio1 Comment

We have heard that agreeing with people is a way to defuse conflict. And we have taken it so far that the words I agree are two of the most used in companies.

Of course, they are mostly misused.

They are often an easy way to gain some short-term sympathy, to prime the others to positivity, to prepare the ground for what you are going to say next. They are a delay to the inevitable.

I agree, but.

To come to a real agreement implies that you are going to at least slightly change your perspective. It means the actions that follow I agree actually show that you are in agreement. It means that you are ready to support what the other just said, even outside the current conversation.

If instead you are just preparing the ground for disagreement, be brave enough to own it and say I disagree instead.

I agree, but erodes trust, openness, and candor.

It is just not worth it.

Engagement

Fabrizio1 Comment

If you are in a position of power, it is important for you to acknowledge that any one of your actions that suggests external causality (i.e. if you do this, I will make this happen) is going to reduce both intrinsic motivation (i.e. the tendency to seek challenges, to use curiosity, to learn) and the internalization of factors such as values and responsibilities.

Using a popular term, we could say that it reduces engagement.

In this study, you can find quite many of such behaviours that are very common in organizations: setting deadlines, giving directives, carrying out performance reviews, imposing goals. The single individual will feel that they are not in control, that they are not autonomous, that they are not competent.

It takes guts to go against what decades of management practices have made normal. And it starts with awareness.

Stepping stone

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I am sorry does not heal the wound.

It does not solve the problem, it does not undo what was done, it does not wipe out an unpleasant memory.

I am sorry is not a wand to wave at distressing situations. It does not draw a plan for the future and it does not promise it will not happen again. It does not go any farther than you want it to go. It often does not fill the gap. Very rarely it changes the narrative. And it never is the end to a conversation.

I am sorry does not do any of the above.

Yet without I am sorry none of the above can ever happen.

I am sorry is the essential stepping stone to what comes next in any kind of relationship.

What actually is next depends on you.

The greatest gift

Fabrizio1 Comment

If there is only one thing you are going to dedicate more time to in the future, make it be listening.

Do not rush to tell your piece, learn to sit still with your assumptions and conclusions, give others the space to come up with their own version, accept that silence is not you giving power away.

Listen. Truly listen. To understand. To help the other understand.

It is the greatest gift of all.

All the time

Fabrizio1 Comment

We will act fairly.

Once this bad period is over.

As soon as we have launched this very important new service.

When the new manager will be up to speed.

If only we would win this next bet.

The fact is, integrity does not allow conditions. You are either fair, or you are not. And actually, once you start cheating, cutting corners, taking shortcuts, there is good evidence that you are onto a slippery slope that will take you deeper down the hole. Raising up from there is not as easy as one would think.

Find your principles, set your boundaries, draft your rules. And be genuinely committed to them.

All the time.

The lesson I learned from this is that it’s easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than it is to hold to them 98% of the time. If you give in to “just this once,” based on a marginal cost analysis, as some of my former classmates have done, you’ll regret where you end up. You’ve got to define for yourself what you stand for and draw the line in a safe place.

Clayton Christenses, How will you measure your life?

P.S.: How important this is for organizations! This is why organizational culture fails so often. As culture is often built in meetings and not anchored to reality, a company can find hundreds of ways and reasons to deviate from it. When that happens, there is no sanction. And the culture drifts …