Tag: values

No strings attached

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“After all I’ve done for you” is something we say in the heat of the moment. And of course, it is a poor argument, a petty way to make the other feel guilty for something they have done.

Giving is not measurable and should never be treated like putting money in the bank. It’s not a transaction, something you can withdraw at some point in time, and expect to have it untouched.

When we give advice, support, help, time, energy, suggestion, even a gift, we could do it unconditionally. No strings attached. Giving is already making us feel good, there is no need to add a possible future reward to the mix.

So, instead of “after all I’ve done for you”, we could attempt to get better in touch with our feelings and explain more in details what is wrong.

“I have seen you do this, and it does not make me feel alright.”
“I am angry, because this came unexpected.”
“I am sad, as you have done something you know I generally do not support.”
“I demand honesty from our relationship, and the fact you are lying now really hurts me.”

Thank you

FabrizioLeave a comment

I have been blessed to have many outstanding women around me at all times in my life so far. From different generations, backgrounds, walks of life. They have taught me a huge deal, and they have ultimately contributed to make of me the person, the husband, the father and the godfather I am today.

Thank you, and Happy International Women’s Day.

Ordinarily extraordinary

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We all are ordinary.

Ordinary is our fragility, our pain, our fear, our anger and our continuos search for a fix. Ordinary is the way we feel about others, the impression to have been set up against the whole World, the hurried decision we make about something that lasts. Ordinary is our joy, our excitement, that feeling we can accomplish everything anytime anywhere, followed by the sudden and inevitable realisation that it is not true. Ordinary are our surroundings, our contexts, our scenarios and situations, our homes, offices, gardens, restaurants, cafes and shops. Ordinary is the way we think of that, how we cling to it, the partly inexplicable desire to be measured according to how good that is.

The fact all of that (and much more) is ordinary does not mean we are not important. It means we are not alone. The moment we realise and practice that is the moment we become extraordinary.

It’s when we sit with the discomfort and end up laughing at it. It’s when we lend an helping hand to our neighbour, despite feeling shattered and not liking them. It’s when we are not carried away by easy ups, stay aware of the upcoming downs and focus on the long term. It’s when we treat the stuff we build around us, material or not, as temporary, mutable, ultimately not a reflection of who we really are. It’s when we understand that thoughts and feelings come and go, and what remains is now.

We all are ordinarily capable of achieving extraordinary things.

When free and everything are the norm

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Tripadvisor has made the news today for an unpleasant story about women behing sexually assaulted in hotels that are reviewed on the website. The article is missing a lot of important information, yet there are a couple of points worth making regarding web platforms and the type of expectations users have.

First of all, what we used to love about the internet (It’s free! You can find everything! Everybody has a voice! It’s freedom!) is gradually becoming more and more nuanced and problematic. People are increasingly asking for a different type of service, one that takes responsibility and action, a service that not only aggregates content, but also curates it and makes sure that it is of high quality on different levels. This is quite a huge reversal, and while I am not sure people really want the kind of restriction and control some are asking to counter the most sensitive problems, it is a growing demand that most internet-based services did not plan for.

Secondly, the very fact that services did not plan for this reverse makes them feel completely lost in the wake of similar requests. They lack this scenario from their DNA, and they are therefore extremely vulnerable. The “platform” mantra – according to which “we are just providing a platform to share content on, we are not responsible for the content itself” – is past obsolete by now. The attempt to respond by increasing the human control is often ineffective, partly because it is guided by the faint aspiration of addressing an emotional problem with rational tools. And artificial intelligence is demonstrating all of its current shortages when deployed to help in this area.

The way we look at internet-based service is clearly shifting. The shift is now driven mainly by extreme cases, that are often followed by extreme demands. There are huge gains available for the platform that will quit putting out fires and start planning for a long term scenario in which free, freedom, and everything are the norm, and the quality and humanity of the service (again, on various levels) will make a difference. I am extremely curious to find out who this player will be.

A word of encouragement

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If you are about the long term. If you put in the work, every day, relentlessly, even though there is no guarantee of success. If you care about the way things are done more than you care about the things done. If somebody watching you does not change the way you behave. If you spend time trying to understand what went wrong and how you can make it better, before you jump on to the next thing. If you are focused, fierce in giving attention just to the things that matter. If you know that fear is just another way to understand what you should do. If you feel that others around you are living through the same pains and joys, excitements and disappointments, ups and downs, and that for this reason they deserve the same respect on their path as you do on your. If you believe in your resources and know that, eventually, things are going to turn out just fine.

It is going to be difficult.

The World we live in does not respect the way you see it. And that is ok. Just go ahead, grind, continue, persist, do not give up. We need you.