I am glad you did this (for me, for the company, for our family) is not really the best way to express gratitude. It is something to say, at best, when you tolerate what was done, when you think it was not necessary yet did not hurt, when it’s about something you are quite neutral about.
Thank you is more simple and gets to the point instead. Say it often, make of it a habit, and truly mean it. Gratitude is a muscle that can be trained.
When we attempt to second guess people behaviour. When we want to figure out why somebody is acting in a certain way. When we do read the room to understand who likes us and who does not. When we catch a phrase, a movement, a gaze and we interpret it as a judgement on what we are doing or who we are. In all these cases, we put ourselves at the center, as if everything would gravitate around us.
When somebody needs a comforting word. When there’s need of a new perspective, a new approach, a new idea. When we have not heard from a person for a long time, and we miss them. When it’s time to jump on a stage and make a difference. In all these cases, we diminish ourselves, as if there’s nothing our unimportant self can do to change things.
We continuosly move from one extreme to the other, and it’s just hiding.
Being a parent is not so much about raising your kids as it is about rising above yourself.
Kids do not comply, they rarely listen, and when they do it’s mainly to make sure they remember what you said when they can use it against you. And so, trying to make them fit, to make them adjust, to change them is not only futile. It is counterproductive.
The only way you can be a decent parent is by looking within yourself and get a hang of all the things that stand in the way.
If there’s a behaviour that makes you go mad and shout, flag it and work on it. If there are some things you really like to do with your kids, and some things you really don’t like to do with them, notice that soon, and be anyway prepared to yield more often than not. If there are some days in which you’d just like to be left alone, first forget about it, then make sure you can be aware of that, so that you will express it with words rather than with shitty reactions. If there are occasions where you screwed up, say so, and also say you are sorry.
You are the only one who can change this.
P.S.: this is certainly valid also when you are not in a parenting situation.
We are not in search of perfection, and yet we demand ourselves to produce perfection.
The expectations we put on our work are often way higher than those our audience has. This happens in part because we often idealize our audience – and here’s a reminder of how important it is to truly get to know those you are serving. But it also happens because perfect gives us a reason to not deliver, to postpone, to keep thinking and refining.
Accepting far from perfect is not a way to excuse our poor job, rather it is the only possible route to shipping.
Why do people rarely talk frankly to each other when tension arises?
Time inflates difficult situations where two or more people feel resentment towards each other, yet it seems people float through such circumstances without taking action. They talk to other colleagues, families, friends. They feed their anxiety and frustration by crafting a defensive narrative. And they continue escaping a direct confrontation.
That’s how our mind is wired. Clearing the air is difficult, it takes effort and commitment. In the moment, when the time comes to choose between going ahead and speaking to the other person or ignoring the problem and carrying on with the day, the brain will always, instinctively, go for the latter. Because that’s what keeps us safe.
Of course, it is a short-term safety. And in most cases it’s not that we are really in danger of serious consequences should we decide to, once and for all, have that chat.
Difficult conversations are a strategic choice. Have them often, with intention.
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