When you start thinking that somebody has done something to hurt you, offend you or cut you off, do two things.
Take a break.
Reach out and have a conversation.
Tag: team work
Drain
A meeting is a drain of time, focus and flow. And it compounds the more people are involved.
So, if you are going to have a meeting, make it worth it. Have an agenda, a clear one, even if it is just a sync. Stay on topic. Never go around the (virtual) table to fish for topics, but by all means poke those who speak less and make sure they get a chance to express their opinion. Get to action points in proper time, write them down, and circulate them after the meeting is done. If you have called the meeting, or are in a leadership potion, do a lot of listening and very little talking. And finish earlier.
If you are finding yourself breaking these basics more than once for a particular meeting, the people invited to the meeting are better off if the meeting is removed from their calendars.
They certainly have something better to do.
P.S.: I wrote about meetings a while back also. The rules set out there are still valid for the most part.
Tension
Feedback often creates tension.
I want it this way.
I am not sure what, but something does not work.
Your piece of content misses the bigger picture.
Can you change that part and make it more professional?
I am sorry, I really do not like it.
Tension might eventually take you to a better place, but there are two problems.
First, tension takes time to resolve. Time that could actually be employed improving the outcome, doing something more valuable or even just going for a walk. Tension is difficult to dissipate, it actually tends to escalate. Particularly when the first unclear comment is followed by additional unclear statements that make the whole feedback situation a mess.
Also, tension sticks. When the job is eventually done, tension is still in the air. It does not matter at this point if the outcome is better, something has broken. And that is difficult to recover, even more difficult considering the fact this way of giving feedback is rarely a one-off.
Prepare before giving feedback.
Never let it be the first thing that comes to mind, never let it be an instinctual reaction to you seeing the work of others for the first time.
And if after you have done that, there is still vagueness in what you want to contribute, shut up and ask.
If you would have more time, what would you work on to make it better?
Guide me through your creative process.
What parts of it you do not like?
What would you need to make this the best of your blog posts?
What type of input are you seeking from me?
I believe
I believe is a powerful statement, one that leaves little room for discussion.
It is challenging to move from there, and often the only way forward for an argument based on I believe is to go back and exit it. It quickly becomes a matter of who is going to get tired first and withdraw.
We use I believe more often then we should. And we often leave it hanging between facts and opinions, increasing vagueness when we would actually bring a contribution to a matter we care about.
Some alternative ways that have more power to move the conversation past the current state.
I know ..
The numbers show ..
Our mutual understanding is based on ..
I would prefer ..
And the most powerful of all.
What do you believe?
Better questions
Are you good?
and
Can you tell me of a time you have been good?
are clearly two very different questions.
The first one is instinctive, of course I am good. The second one activates the slow part of the brain, the reflective part, and is way more difficult to lie to.
Behavioral questions like the second one can go a long way when you are trying to figure out something in a context that easily hides facts (perhaps for totally legitimate reasons). Getting used to asking better questions is a sure way to avoid disappointment later on. And to get better answers.
Tell me about the last time you have acted as a team player.
What is an example of a thing that makes this a great place to work?
Can you tell me of the last time you used our product, what have you done with it?
How often do people in your team get promoted?
You've got this 