Deep roots

The disappointment you felt when they told you there was no promotion for you in the near future.

The anger at your boss, for not acknowledging the effort you put into the project they are getting praises for.

That argument about who was supposed to do that thing nobody wants to do.

The feeling your job is never going to be good enough, no matter how hard you try.

All these things, and many more, they are not born in the moment, as a sudden reaction to a single event. They have deep roots.

They are the product of previous experiences, of your childhood, of how your parents used to talk (or not talk) to you, of the many relationships you’ve had so far, of the thoughts you used to have when you were a kid, alone in your bedroom, before falling asleep.

They are incremental. They tend to repeat themselves, sometimes in slightly different ways, and to accumulate. Up until the point you are unable to experience much more else.

And so, the only thing you can do about it is to conquer them. Own them.

“I have stakes in this”, “I care”, ” I might feel as I did when..”. These are great starting points.

Do not hide them, repress them, push them down.

Find them, name them, remind them.

You might not be able to do this on your own. That’s fine.

Northern Star

When you get close to the target, it’s very easy to lose view on the big picture. You focus on the minutiae and details, preparing for the big moment of truth, sure it’s just a matter of time.

A little more to the right, apply just a tiny more pressure, why the heck it’s not working, if only I would have a different tool, a different team, and so on.

That’s the time you need to go back to your Northern Star. The reason why you are doing what you are doing, your motivation, your vision, your purpose.

Only thay will unlock it and get you there.

Boundaries

How far can you go before you do something about that power dynamic you really don’t like? How much can you wait for changes to happen after you have spoken up? How beaten can your motivation be before you actually stop showing up to do important job?

How much is too much?

In every situation we set boundaries, imaginary limits beyond which something significant will have to happen. Boundaries are what tells us what we can accept and what not, how far we are willing to go, how intimate with others we are open to be. They are a deep representation of who we are and who we want to become.

Boundaries can change over time, but we should be conscious about them at any given time, and flex them with great care. Because there’s nothing worst for self-esteem than allowing others to walk on boundaries back and forth, repeatedly, day after day, until we pretend to stop caring about where the boundary actually is.

Boundaries matter. Perhaps allow some space when you set them. And once that is done, you ought to protect them with all you’ve got.

An act of kindness

Forgiveness is something you owe yourself.

It’s an act of kindness towards your well-being more than a courtesy to others. Because of course, others will be relieved by the fact you are forgiving them, they will be happy and feel like they can continue with their lives with one less burden.

But you. You will be so much lighter if you make of forgiving a consistent practice. You will be freed of damaging thoughts, anxiety, bad feelings, toxic memories that drain your energy. Even when it’s seem that it’s not a big deal, that you barely think about the whole fact, not forgiving is a black hole that sucks you in. It’s unrelenting. It’s negative.

Give yourself the space to achieve what matters. Genuinely forgive, and move on.

Vertical and horizontal

How do you think at your career?

If you think at it vertically, it means you see it as a (more or less) straight line. It’s a progression, you look at where you were yesterday and make expectations about where you will be tomorrow. Of course, there might be hiccups, that we perceive as overwhelmingly negative and that we do our best to avoid. But in general what you care about is advancing, going forward.

Traditionally, careers are built vertically. Since school, we are used to approach things in terms of levels (first grade, second grade, …; primary school, secondary school, high school, …), and at certain points we are given particularly difficult tasks (exams) that might get us promoted.

This system is partially based on the assumption that what you do will stay with you, and actually accumulate throughout the years. It’s the reason why people who stay with a company for ten years are more likely to get promoted or to have a higher salary, or people that have 20-30 years of experience are more valuable on the job market than new graduates.

The alternative is to think at career horizontally. In this case, rather than looking at where you were yesterday, you think about what you have learned, achieved, experienced. Where do your skills fit best in this particular time? What type of company could use your experience with this or that? What role would really allow to put the best you at the service of the community?

There is no straight line in this sense, rather a wide variety of opportunities. You might find yourself in a position you would have not considered, just because that’s what make sense right now. You might have to accept a lower salary, just because you understand that you are needed, here and now. You might have to make a long detour, just because you want to refine a certain skill or learn a new art. I’d go as far as say that if you approach your career horizontally, all these things would not even matter in the first place.

All this becomes particularly relevant when you are looking for a new job.

If you approach the search for a job with a vertical mindset, you are narrowing down the options quite a lot. Say you have been some sort of Marketing Manager in the past four years: you’ll most likely look for some a senior marketing leadership positions, possibly at larger companies, probably in the field you already have experience with (B2B, Saas, B2C, etc.).

If instead you look at the situation from a horizontal perspective, the Marketing Manager role loses its importance, and you could for example focus on the fact you have learned how to lead people to solve difficult problems, how to present in front of a wide audience, and how to work across departments to align vision and strategy. These are all skills that are applicable to many more positions, fields, companies, industries than a simple job title is.

I am not implying that one way is easier than the other. Certainly, most of the current job market is designed with verticality in mind, both on the demand and on the offer side. And for this very reason, people often struggle to find a different way: they hit their head on the wall, they get rejected, over and over again, they feel drained and demotivated, and eventually they give up.

The way you approach things changes the way you see things. And sometimes, all you need is some more opportunities.