Tag: self-improvement

Excuses and reasons

Fabrizio5 Comments

Excuses are what you come up with when attempting to convince about something you did (and shouldn’t have done) or did not (and should have done).

Reasons are circumstances that explain why you have not done something you should have, or have done something you should not have.

Excuses are fragile. They are usually ex-post (they come after the fact). They border with lies, and as nobody wants to think of themselves as a liar, they set up for discordance and self-criticism, and eventually undermine the intention of doing.

Reasons are solid. They are usually ex-ante (they come before the fact). They fire up compassion and kindness towards ourselves, and they do not harm our will to do what we initially set out to do. Perhaps under different circumstances, or better equipped to face the ones that have emerged.

Eventually, only you can say if it’s excuses or reasons you are using to not show up.

Stuck in the gap

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Each one of us lives a double life.

One is who we would like to be, the story we tell ourselves (and others), the person we look up to, the one we would like to eventually become.

One is who we are in the moment, the difficulties and the frustrations, the temptations and the shiny objects, the good deeds and the not so good ones, the day after day.

Most of us are stuck in the gap. We despair because we are not who we want to be and then we fail to appreciate what happens here and now.

There’s a few things that could perhaps help get a move from that place.

Begin with keeping your ideal self consistent over time. It’s easier to hit a fixed target than a moving one.

Consider the moment as an opportunity to act against your ideal self. Keep the distance between the two to a minimum.

Remember that your ideal self is, well, ideal. Just because you lose your temper does not mean you are a bad person. Just because you did not get that job does not mean you are worthless. Just because you have failed, does not mean you are a failure.

Most importantly, make time in your life to think about this. Get conscious about where you are and where you want to go, or all the rest will be helpless.

Honest

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Honesty can only work when it’s two-way.

You can’t be honest if you do not accept others to be honest with you as well, and you can’t demand honesty if you are not honest in the first place yourself.

It’s about building trust and knowing that the other is going to be on your side when it matters. Sometimes by putting you in front of harsh truths, sometimes by telling you well timed lies.

Saying “let’s be honest with each other” is a commitment for the long term, something you have to start building day-in and day-out, with practice and consistency.

It’s not something for a two-hours meeting.

No competition

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Help, gratitude, kindness. There’s no competition when you start practicing them.

If you help somebody and another person does the same, all the better. If you are grateful for something, and then something else, and another thing yet, there’s just more to be gained. If you are kind by default, and your neighbour is kind too, and their neighbours too, it’s a great thing for the whole community.

We are so often stuck in a constant race that we easily forget how not everything rewards the first and forgets the others.

Talk

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Talk about what’s holding you back.

Talk about that feeling you feel before speaking in front of others.

Talk about the fear that never let you leap.

Talk about how unease you are when somebody asks a direct question.

Talk about the challenge in putting your work out there.

Talk about how difficult it is to say you were wrong.

Talk about the knots in your stomach before meeting someone you like.

Because as you talk about all of this, you take the first step to make it all go away.