Tag: relationships

Not going to work

FabrizioLeave a comment

The things you say have a life of their own.

They do not fade once you are done saying them. They keep floating, and those who have heard them carry them around for an indefinite amount of time. They change in meaning. They change in strength. They change in effect.

Often they are still there once we have forgotten them. They might even become drivers for actions we later fail to understand. To our own misery.

The act of saying is anything but final. It’s a step in a process of reciprocal understanding, and we rarely do a good job with our own part.

Despite the fact we have never used it more, communication is fragile. Starting from the assumption it is not going to work is an easy way to become better at it.

Dreams

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Dreams, just like ideas, have three possible outcome.

Outcome number one. They die. You had a dream, you believed in it for a while, you do not believe in it anymore, it dies. That is what happens to most dreams. Goodbye.

Outcome number two. You keep them out. You think about them. You perfect them. When you get a piece of them, you push them further by fantasizing on an even more perfect version of them. You alienate them from the world around. You make them a central focus of your inner life and emotions without internalizing them. They get to serve a sort of function, like the carrot for the donkey: they give you purpose, and they are also the primary reason why you are often unsatisfied and sad.

Outcome number three. You bring them to your world. And it is not mainly a matter of sharing them (though you might, you should). It is mainly you adjusting them, making them grow with you (and with your world), shrinking and expanding them depending on circumstances and people, using them as a lens through which you look at your current reality. Doing this effectively basically means that you will end up living a life in which each step you take is part of the dream, because the dream is more of a purpose, it is a frame for each one of your efforts.

Dreams, just like ideas, are great starters, they boost motivation and keep the morale high for a while. What happens with them though depends on you.

Insurmountable

FabrizioLeave a comment

Nothing is easy, until it gets done.

At that point, it becomes the easiest thing you ever committed to.

That is because starting something new feels insurmountable. It makes us go against our beliefs (about ourselves and the world we live in), it forces us to question things we used to take for granted, it puts us in front of the fact we might have been wrong all along.

It is also the reason why there is rarely a deep connection between someone who has already done and someone who is about to do. To the former, the thing is trivial. To the latter, the thing is impossible.

So, if we ever want to share anything, it is important we talk about the journey rather than the destination. It’s the only way to build common ground, to put empathy at work, to elevate.

And if we want to do something, as we often do, the best way is to set out on the journey and just do it.

All-encompassing

FabrizioLeave a comment

When you are sending a message to the mass, the tendency is to make it as all-encompassing as possible, and by doing that you probably fail to make it relatable, motivating, effective.

A great example is what happens every year when companies share season’s greetings with their audience. And as it is possible to send a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (accompanied by the emoticons of your choice) to a vast number of people, individuals got lazy as well.

Next year, instead of sending a mass message to all your team, your group of friends, your family, pick a finite number of people that had a significant impact on your life in the past twelve months, and share a personal and emotional message with them. Tell them why this Merry Christmas is different. Tell them what they mean to you. Tell them how they have succeded in their job. And let them know why you want them close in the New Year as well.

The return on this small investment will be huge.

The game

FabrizioLeave a comment

You can still play the game even if you don’t know how to play it, if you do not follow the rules, if you cheat and seek shortcuts, if nobody wants to play with you.

Of course, your time would be better invested in figuring out what to do and doing it right, consistently and over time.

At the end of the day, the choice is yours.