Tag: relationships

To mentor

Fabrizio1 Comment

You do not have to be a master to mentor. You do not have to be the best at what you do, neither you need to be an expert in what you do. You might have a passion, but that is just a like most of the time. You might feel competent and knowledgeable, but if you are completely honest that’s probably not how you feel in most cases.

If you believe any of the above is necessary to mentor, you are telling yourself a false story, you are giving up to resistance, you are pushing back something you would genuinely benefit from.

To mentor, you merely need to have experience and to be willing to give it away.

And when that is the case, you can start mentoring now. You will get back everything you put in. And more.

Prepared to communicate

Fabrizio1 Comment

If you do not have time, if you are too busy, if you have many things to do, if you are juggling different tasks.

Then avoid sending important messages or giving important speeches.

Effective communication requires time and intentional effort. No, you are probably not a natural communicator, and people will not get it one way or the other.

Depending on your role, communication might have different degrees of importance for you. If you are a leader, or if you are in a position of power, you should probably have it among your key priorities. But unless you can dedicate enough time to prepare for it, silence is your second best option.

[The time it takes me to prepare for a speech] depends on the length of the speech. If it is a ten-minute speech it takes me all of two weeks to prepare it; if it is a half-hour speech it takes me a week; if I can talk as long as I want to it requires no preparation at all. I am ready now.

President Woodrow Wilson

I agree, but

Fabrizio1 Comment

We have heard that agreeing with people is a way to defuse conflict. And we have taken it so far that the words I agree are two of the most used in companies.

Of course, they are mostly misused.

They are often an easy way to gain some short-term sympathy, to prime the others to positivity, to prepare the ground for what you are going to say next. They are a delay to the inevitable.

I agree, but.

To come to a real agreement implies that you are going to at least slightly change your perspective. It means the actions that follow I agree actually show that you are in agreement. It means that you are ready to support what the other just said, even outside the current conversation.

If instead you are just preparing the ground for disagreement, be brave enough to own it and say I disagree instead.

I agree, but erodes trust, openness, and candor.

It is just not worth it.

Engagement

Fabrizio1 Comment

If you are in a position of power, it is important for you to acknowledge that any one of your actions that suggests external causality (i.e. if you do this, I will make this happen) is going to reduce both intrinsic motivation (i.e. the tendency to seek challenges, to use curiosity, to learn) and the internalization of factors such as values and responsibilities.

Using a popular term, we could say that it reduces engagement.

In this study, you can find quite many of such behaviours that are very common in organizations: setting deadlines, giving directives, carrying out performance reviews, imposing goals. The single individual will feel that they are not in control, that they are not autonomous, that they are not competent.

It takes guts to go against what decades of management practices have made normal. And it starts with awareness.

Stepping stone

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I am sorry does not heal the wound.

It does not solve the problem, it does not undo what was done, it does not wipe out an unpleasant memory.

I am sorry is not a wand to wave at distressing situations. It does not draw a plan for the future and it does not promise it will not happen again. It does not go any farther than you want it to go. It often does not fill the gap. Very rarely it changes the narrative. And it never is the end to a conversation.

I am sorry does not do any of the above.

Yet without I am sorry none of the above can ever happen.

I am sorry is the essential stepping stone to what comes next in any kind of relationship.

What actually is next depends on you.