Tag: relationships

Against denigration and disregard

Fabrizio5 Comments

We attach labels to people and groups of people, partly because we try to make sense of what we do not understand, and partly to reinforce our identity and belonging to a different group.

“People that are born in that period are weak.”
“People that work in that team are lazy.”
“People that come from that geographical area are dishonest.”

Even if we assume that these types of labels have some truth behind them (they usually do not and are more of a reflection of our internal insecurities, yet humor me for the sake of the argument), the best and more effective approach would be to first understand the deeper level of the manifestation that inititated the labelling, and then try to imagine and build an environment in which the deeper reason can either be leveraged or addressed.

So, for example, if we believe that a group of people is particularly weak, on a deeper level this might mean that they are better in touch with their own feelings and emotions. As a reaction, we could try to figure out a way to make sure that their improved understanding of their selves could be employed and put to good use.

If we assert that a certain team or department is lazy, it might be because they do not have the tools necessary to effectively do their job, or because their team lead is not sufficiently motivating. As a reaction, we might want to try to facilitate their tasks and work in any possible way, or look for another manager.

This happens very seldom. The easiest and most common reaction to labelling is either denigration or disregard. Denigration is where every form of extremism is born: we reinforce the labelling by supporting it with every evidence we might find, and we feed it to the public forum every time it is possible. Disregard is instead working around the group and their characteristics, building walls to keep them out, pretending they do not exist.

It takes a great deal of awareness and courage to act differently when we catch ourselves in lazy labelling.

Messages that spread and stick

Fabrizio1 Comment

Few days back, I was skimming through a book I found at work (Lencioni’s The Advantage), and I found a very appropriate metaphor for how communication works in the workplace. According to the author, it’s like in the old sketch where the wife is mad at her husband since he never says that he loves her.

“I told you once when we got married”, he retorts. “I’ll let you know if things change!”.

Very often, this is how people communicate in a professional setting. There is a meeting in which something is announced and it is expected for everyone to be on the same page and working toward the same goal. An email is sent to inform of a major change, and employees are supposed to know of the change, of what it implies for their work, of what repercussions it will have on their department, and so on. In more informal settings, it is not unusual to hear of a manager informing a team member in the office kitchen that the project the team was working on has been postponed, and then imagine that they would know exactly how to react to that and what to focus their attention on next.

Interpersonal communication is complex and fragile. Even more so when multiple people are involved. If we have a message that touches many and needs to spread and stick, we should follow few generic rules.

First of all, be ready to repeat. Nobody likes to be repetitive, and yet that is the best way to have a message stick. Neither does anybody like to be boring, and that is why we should avoid a “copy-pasting” effect and find different ways to deliver the core message we want to share. The core message – it could be summarised with “what” and “why” – needs to be very clear to the messenger. It might sound trivial, yet think about the difficulties many experienced people have in elaborating on the reasoning behind their decisions.

Then, be ready to experiment, with different channels and different formats. People have variegated ways to absorb information. Some like to read, some prefer a face-to-face interaction, some like meetings, some informal conversations, some need a visual representation of what is being discussed. Be bold, do not stick to what is usually done in the organisation. It’s worth it if you believe your message is really important. And try to put some video in the mix, particularly if you want to reach wide.

Finally, be ready to ask. Any type of communication is usually accompanied by the assumption that we have been understood and action will follow. That is almost never true. Ask if people have got it, if they are clear on the different implications of your message, touch base with them after one, three, six months and see if they still remember the “what” and the “why”. And if you have a doubt, go back to repeat and experiment until you are more than sure.

I know it sounds like a lot of job, yet we all need to embrace our role as Chief Reminding Officer when we have something we deeply care about to share within our organisation. If we do not do that, we risk to be rowing the boat by ourselves, and that is much tougher in the long term.

The practice of empathy

Fabrizio7 Comments

A while back, I have written about empathy and about how it is not something that comes natural to most people (me included).

But what does empathy look like in practice?

It is certainly not to feel sorrow for someone’s issues. When we do, we tend to approach the relationship from a position of strength, it is kind of a top-down feeling. We do not really empathize with the other person, as we are not in the same “frame of reference”. Feeling sorry is more sympathy or compassion, and as Brené Brown brilliantly puts it, it is not something someone who is in trouble wants to receive.

Empathy is also not giving people a free pass for their problems. Again, this is an approach that assumes a position of power, and it is not fundamentally different from sympathy: we feel sorry for our colleague, and therefore we close an eye to the fact they are making a poor job.

Empathy is acknowledging the other person’s situation from a neutral, non judgemental position. In Ed Batista’s words, “we comprehend their perspective and emotions, and we are able to envision ourselves experiencing that perspective and those emotions under similar circumstances”.

And then, it is suspending our natural inclination to suggest a course of action, or give an advice to “fix” the situation based on our own experience. We stay there in their world, and we acknowledge it as it is. And if the time comes when it is expected of us to say something, paraphrasing a beautiful thought by Seth Godin, we do that from their own place.

When you have to do with somebody, you have no idea how many times this person has been kicked in the teeth. All you know is that they act in ways you would not. If you care about the outcome, the question is not ‘What would I do?’. The question is ‘If I had been exposed to what you have been exposed to, what story would resonate with me?’

It is possible to get better at empathy, and by doing that you will find you can establish more meaningful and stable connections. It is an investment worth doing.

 

 

 

Trust can be given

Fabrizio1 Comment

When we say that trust needs to be earned, what we are really saying is that we are afraid and we want to maintain control over the situation. We are afraid because we do not know the other person, we have no history with them, we are unsure they can deliver as good a job as we expect, we cannot pretend them to be as committed as we are.

The problem is, when we approach a new relationship with this mindset, it is highly unlikely the other is ever going to earn our trust. And even if they will, it will be so because they have complied, they have gone along with our requests, they have checked all the boxes and eventually become a sort of clone.

This is not how progress happens.

Trust can be given, upfront. It requires a leap of faith, opening up and believing that someone else can achieve things that are not part of our current immagination, and yet are good. It means we can lose control, accept they might be better, and perhaps even step aside and let them on at some point. Trust is forward motion, and if we are solid enought to gift it to others, we can establish meaningful relationships that add up to much more than their individual parts.

The narrative killer

Fabrizio2 Comments

A good way to stop being busy is to avoid saying that you are.

“How are you?”
“Busy.”

I did this many times myself, and it’s not really a nice way to move the conversation forward. Even more, busy is the narrative killer: if you repeat it long enough, that’s the the only story you and others will hear about yourself. It is a sticky one, very difficult to get rid of, even after some time has passed and, to be honest, you are no longer as busy as you were the first time you said it.

“How are you?”
“I am excited as I have just received confirmation that we will go ahead with the project.”
“I am disappointed as I have been told we are not moving forward with the hiring process.”
“I am exhausted as yesterday had to work all evening on the presentation for next week.”
“I am really looking forward to join your team meeting next month and present what we are working on.”

Busy is a common safeplace, and it shades us for taking responsibility for how we actually feel and what we are actually doing that is important. Stop saying you are busy and you will find yourself taking some time to discover how you actually are.

“How are you?”
“I am a little overworked at the moment, but it is fine, as I am working on things I love. What about you?”