We lash out at people, we judge, we confine, we define, we spend most of our days commenting and evaluating what others do. And the truth is, we do not know any better.
It is perhaps our insecurity that makes us feel so certain when it comes to others.
Assuming good intentions is truly the only way to build relationships and stay sane.
Some people might act out of malicious intents, trying to manipulate others in order to get ahead. Most though go about their lives in the exact same way as we do. They might have different ideas, points of view, preferences. But they are trying to do their best with the cards they have been dealt.
The alternative is to question everything and doubt everyone.
It is possible, and some choose that. I am not sure though they understand how much energy, attention, resources that is taking from them.
There are different ways to share learnings and insights.
Many keep them for themselves, at most sharing with a close circle. They see learnings and insights as an advantage in a competitive environment, and they leverage them to achieve status.
Some share them all around, perhaps doing some sort of selection based on interest. They typically do that once and then assume that everyone is in the loop and will act accordingly.
A few manage them, ensuring they are properly discussed, distributed, and acted upon. They take the time to understand who can benefit from them, they organize a space to exchange opinions, they put together the right context to do some testing, they track results that inevitably lead to further learnings and insights – starting the loop once more.
Of course, this last approach is ideal. But you can’t follow that with everything. That’s why it matters to know what is important.
The problem with fit is that it tends to average.
And the even bigger problem for you is that it prevents you from being you.
When you try to fit – by using a jargon that everyone else is using, by going through a career trajectory that everybody can recognize, by telling a story that everyone feels comfortable with – you essentially hide your differences for the sake of harmony. It is normal to want to do that, even advisable in some instances.
But what happens once you are in, feel at ease, and attempt to express that part you hid? Here is a strong risk of a life of misery.
There are two things you can do to mitigate that.
First, you have to be selective with the groups you want to be part of. Not all groups are worth fitting in – which is, again, essentially losing a little part of you. Some groups are more open to differences than others – which means having to hide less, or nothing.
Second, you need to work on your story in a way that eases you into fitting in (the groups you selected). You own your story, you choose what to tell about, how to tell about it, and by making your story an expression of yourself, you signal to the group who you are and what they can expect from you.
There is no fight you can win without losing at least a little of the relationship underlying it.
And there is no relationship for which you won’t regret having lost even a little piece.
Pick your fights very carefully.
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