Sometimes we feel strong. And then a comment, an action, a missed opportunity, an unexpected reaction makes us fall back into weakness.
Sometimes we feel weak. And then a comment, an action, an unexpected opportunity, a kind reaction makes our strength evolve to new heights.
We were not strong, we were not weak.
The most we can hope is to be aware enough to appreciate these fluctuations, and understand that in the end it was always us.
Few things we should avoid saying in response to somebody who is coming to us with an issue.
You are wrong.
Don’t worry.
You are looking at it in the wrong way.
Well, that’s life!
What were you expecting?
I have no idea what you are talking about.
It happens to me all the time, but worst.
And it’s not that we should avoid them because they are mean, or wrong, or not helpful. We should avoid them because they do not allow the space for a deep conversation to happen.
The person coming to you will not learn anything new about how they feel and what the issue exactly is. You will not learn anything new about how you feel and what the issue exactly is. And perhaps even more importantly, the next time the person will not come to you to express concern.
Try instead unlocking deeper layers with open questions.
How does that make you feel?
That sounds important, tell me more about it.
It feels like a lot to take, what do you think?
And of course, sit down and truly listen. You cannot solve this right there.
Be careful when you speak without having your ideas clear.
Particularly if you are in a position of power.
Too often half formulated ideas, biased opinions, personal preferences become some sort of a norm in a small, vertical group. And the norm is always difficult to challenge and to change.
You owe it to the people around you.
If all you can do now is ramble, now is a good time to let others talk.
P.S.: How worst is this nowadays with the widespread use of tools such as Slack or Teams! It would really be great if companies would stop to look at tools as solutions, and rather train their people in their usage and best practices. Companies are not ready for instant communication.
If we want to grow, we need feedback. And if we want to learn from feedback, we need to stop taking it as absolute.
It is human to want to protect one’s work, reputation, identity. But that often leads us to see feedback as totally negative (or totally positive). We need to be able to identify the pieces of feedback we can use to improve and grow, while at the same time leaving out the pieces of feedback that are irrelevant or that we do not believe in (yet?).
Start thinking about who is giving the feedback and how much of what they are saying you do agree with. Receiving feedback is a muscle that can be trained.
Always make an effort to start with what you agree on.
We are wired to focus on the negative feedback, on the opposite opinions, on the rejections, on the new ideas. And so, we need intention to spot agreement.
Next time you get a difficult email, a new plan, a lengthy piece of feedback, a written comment, the notes from a difficult conversation, the minutes of a heated meeting. Print it out, take two markers of different color, highlight what you agree on with one and what you disagree on with the other.
Be honest and impartial. You will have set yourself on a learning path.
You've got this 