Tag: fear

Selfish and harmful

FabrizioLeave a comment

For a very long time, when somebody would pay me a compliment I was going to diminish it.

Either I was going to switch the attention on the indefinite number of things that were still far from worthy of a compliment (in my work, in my deliverables, in myself, in the world), or I was just going to play down the importance of what I did with reference to the bigger picture (this is not going to help us achieve what we want anyway!).

Somehow, I now realize this is a selfish and harmful thing to do.

It does not give resolution to the person paying the compliment, therefore fostering a culture that is not incline to doing so. And it tends to increase self-expectations, setting yourself up for continuous disappointment.

“Thank you!” is a great way to reply to a compliment.

There will always be ample time later to think about what is still missing and to consider the value of the compliment for your broader story.

Enamored

Fabrizio1 Comment

Doing more of what you have done so far is seldom the recipe for growth.

This is valid both for individuals and organizations. At different stages, there’s a need to identify what can take you to the next level. And the more you can do this without putting what took you so far front and center, the more likely it is that the exercise will be successful.

Studying hard will most likely get you a degree, but won’t get you that far once you land your first job.

Putting all your marketing budget in acquisition can be effective at early stages, but the value of this operation will decrease as your company grows.

Taking on different projects and trying various things can be great when you are in your twenties, but it’s going to become counterproductive once you get older.

Assuming a directive approach to leadership can work as long as your team is extremely junior, but as they start making experience you’ll most likely get more benefit (and commitment) from letting go of the reins.

This is the tricky part.

Once you find something that works, you’ll probably have to adapt to changing conditions soon enough and find a new way. Don’t get too enamored.

Keep them close

FabrizioLeave a comment

It is very easy to project

fear,
anxiety,
doubts,
concerns,
pressure,
shortages,
anger,
failures

on others.

That’s what most of us do most of the time, as a shortcut to get those things out of the way. The problem is, other people care, and relationships get increasingly challenging when projecting becomes an habit.

One way to tackle this, is stop considering what we feel as negative (or positive).

Feelings can help us understand some important pieces about the world we leave in and our place in it. We should keep them close instead of ditching them, even when they hurt. Eventually, they’ll turn into something else.

They are not who we are, and certainly they are not who others around us are.

Start yesterday

FabrizioLeave a comment

One of the greatest misconceptions of our days is that we can connect only when we are at our best.

I am not going outside as the outfit I wear is not appropriate.
I will not meet anybody as my hair have not been done yet.
This is not good to publish as I look like a pig in it.
I am not really photogenic, so go ahead and take the picture without me.

This also translates in a broader approach to doing.

I am not going to that event, I have nothing interesting to share.
I am not writing, I have not a great story to tell.
I will still shut up at the next meeting, people do not want to hear what I have to say.
I can’t do my best job, I am not in my most perfect condition.

The fact is, most relationships are built on difficult moments, challenges and adversities. And you will not realize what interesting, great and perfect are like until you will have done uninteresting, not great and imperfect at least a thousands time before.

Of course, the misconception and its broader translation is simply another face of resistance.

We should all have started yesterday.

Voice your state

FabrizioLeave a comment

The next time we walk into a situation with a negative feeling (anxiety, fear, anger, shame, doubtfulness, sadness, preoccupation, …), a way to unlock the impasse is to voice our state right at the beginning.

I have had bad experiences before, this is way I am afraid and anxious.

I don’t usually do a good job when there is a deadline looming, and I now feel doubtful and preoccupied.

I was seeking support and I don’t think I have gotten it, that’s why I am angry now.

I feel quite shameful and a bit anxious in being here in front of you today.

When we do this, our feelings immediately start to dissipate, and that’s because they are not just ours anymore. They are shared.

What’s more, we set the audience for empathy, as what we are saying is most likely much more relatable than the behaviour we might manifest.