Tag: change

You lead the way

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If you set goals early on in life, you are more likely to be successful. A famous study at Yale University showed that out of the class of 1953, the 3% of students that had their ideas clear at graduation collected 97% of the wealth of the whole class two decades later. Actually, they did not.

Bias is almost impossible to avoid, but there are ways around it. For examples, few decades ago, orchestras started doing “blind auditions”. That is to say musicians who are under scrutiny are asked to perform behind a screen, so that examiners would not be influenced by their gender. The chance for women to pass the first stages of the audition has increased by 50% thanks to this simple trick to keep bias in check. In fact, it did not.

To become an expert at anything, you need to practice for 10,000 hours. Not really, to be fully honest.

What do we do when something we strongly believe in, something that is motivating us, that is driving our work, a practice that is making us feel better, a recommendation that has given us the strength to leap, is proven wrong?

We keep on going, doing our work day after day, because in the end there is only one way that is going to help you achieve what you want to achieve. Yours.

Near-enemies

Fabrizio1 Comment

I love the concept of near-enemies.

In Buddhism, near-enemies are manifestations that are quite close to a desired state, yet are actually a whole lot different. So different, they are actually dangerous.

A desired state of Buddhists, for example, is equanimity. That is to say, a way of being calm and focused no matter what happens around you. It is “stability in the face of the fluctuations of worldly fortune“.

Equanimity has a clear enemy, a “far-enemy”. That is restlesness, anxiety, the desire to have things the way we want them to be. The near-enemy, though, is indifference.

From the outside, equanimity and indifference look perhaps the same. Yet they are substantially different: equanimity is not desiring things to be one way or the other; indifference is not caring whether things are one way or the other. With equanimity, we feel everything: the good, the bad, the ugly, the despair, the difficulties, the joy, the sorrow. We are simply not stuck there. With indifference, we feel nothing.

This makes me think of how much we are nowadays focused on near-enemies.

Activity, for example, that is an active force, a state in which things happen and are being done, is often mistaken for its near-enemy busyness, that rarely leads to any progress.

In the same way, our popularity (definitely not a Buddhist concept), that is the condition in which we are liked, admired, supported by others, is often mistaken for its modern near-enemies likes, fans, followers, visits, clicks or any other vanity metric of your choice.

If we expand the concept a little, we can also see how easily we are distracted by near-enemies in our pursue of something we deem important. We do not want our community to be racist or bigot or closed, we want to pursue an ideal of openness. And to do that, we aim at a target, we attack, we label and brand, we separate. Ending up in a community that is even more close than it was before.

Near-enemies are an incredibly powerful concept. If we manage to go behind their seduction, if we do not fall for their attractiveness and easiness of reach, if we force ourselves to open to the real objective of our journey. That is when the highest states that we want to achieve – for us, our families, companies, communities – become not only attainable, but also natural.

Meetings

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Few rules to get the most out of meetings.

Come prepared. A meeting should have a clear agenda, make sure you know what it is about and you have an important contribution to give. If you don’t, you can sit this out and be updated later. For 1-1 meetings, be sure you have reviewed previous history and have at least a couple of points that move the relationship forward.

Come on time. Should go without saying, yet it still happens most of the times that people are late. Actually, do not come on time. Be a few minutes early. Feel the room, exchange a word with others, make sure you are all set for the starting time.

Let the talking flow. Your turn will come, no need to rush it. Make sure you listen carefully to what is being said and are ready to speak when the time is right. Avoid interrupting, or jumping in. And if something is absolutely, incredibly urgent and needs to be said right now, get the attention of who’s speaking with body language (e.g. raise your hand) rather than by talking a higher tone.

Be polite and behave. Most likely, jokes are not welcomed. Rants aren’t as well. Stay on topic. Speak in a normal tone of voice, avoid bursting out in laugh or random hysteria. If you are leading the meeting, make sure everybody gets a fair chance to voice their opinion, yet avoid going around the room. Again, flow is important.

Keep technology to a minimum. Can’t think of a reason why phones should be allowed. If you or somebody is waiting for an important phone call, postpone the meeting. As per notebooks, if somebody has anything to present ok. Otherwise, notebooks are not necessary. In the best case scenario, they are a distraction waiting to happen (and no, your mind will to refocus on the topic discussed right after you have noticed the notification). In the worst case scenario, they create a lot of personal barriers behind which to take cover and avoid meaningful conversations. You got to take notes, you probably know how to write: take a notepad and a pen with you. And while you take notes, particularly in 1-1s, say it out loud: “I am writing this down as I feel it’s important”.

Keep it short. I am not sure what the right length of a meeting is. I can tell you, it is never more than 60 minutes. Nobody, nowadays, can be focused on one single topic, or on one single speaker, for 60 minutes. If you have multiple things to discuss, schedule multiple shorter meetings, only with the people that needs to be there. If you have to go through a lengthy document, there are probably better ways than to lock yourself in a room together. Well-prepared workshops are a great alternative. Make sure attention is high, and for this reason, keep it short. And then, make it shorter.

What type of listener?

Fabrizio7 Comments

One of the things we most seek is a good listener. Somebody who can just shut up and intensely, passionately, attentively listen to what we have to say.

But are we any good at that?

During a coaching course I took, professor Bob Thomson taught me the five different types of listening.

The first one is not listening. It happens when you are in presence of somebody else speaking, yet you are not really paying any attention to what is being said. A great example is when somebody is in a meeting and continuously checks the phone. They are not really listening, they are just physically present.

The second type is listening, waiting to speak. This is when we pay just enough attention to the what is being said to be able to say something as soon as there’s a pause. It happens quite a lot early in a relationship, as we want to make a good impression, and we can’t wait to follow up with something smart. Most of what is said is missed.

The third type is listening to disagree. It happens very muhc in arguments and heated discussions, it’s essentially taking some of the things the other person is saying to make a point. Words are often misunderstood in this scenario, as the real meaning is not at all important. What matters is finding ways to support and strengthen our own view.

The fourth type is listening to understand. While the first three types are very common, this is incredibly difficult to practice and meet. This is sitting in a conversation saying “I want to see the World from your point of view”. We put ourselves aside for a moment, and try to the best of our possibilities to listen and empathize with the other person.

The fifth one is listening to help the other understand. I know the fourth type seemed magical, and as it is so rare, we might be satisfied with it. Yet, it still demands some kind of negotiation: for me to understand your perspective, I need to take my worldview, your worldview, and somehow make sense of them both. And this often means I “distort” your worldview to try to make it fit mine.

The fifth type of listening, on the other hand, says “It does not matter if I understand you or not, what matters is that you understand yourself”. It is pure service. I am here, I am present, I am listening, and I want to help you understand what you are feeling, living, experiencing.

Listening to help the other understand means “I” am out of the equation. Not momentarily, but completely. What you are saying does not have an impact on my assumption, I am not defending anything or trying to understand anything, as I am strong in my own awareness. I want to make yourself strong as well, hence I listen.

Good listeners are no less rare or important than good communicators. Here, too, an unusual degree of confidence is the key — a capacity not to be thrown off course by, or buckle under the weight of, information that may deeply challenge certain settled assumptions. Good listeners are unfussy about the chaos which others may for a time create in their minds; they’ve been there before and know that everything can eventually be set back in its place.

Alain de Botton

Before you demand a certain type of listening, be aware of what you can offer. Most likely, the two will go hand in hand.

Us and them

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We care a whole lot more about what is done to us than what we do to others. It’s not that we are mean and inconsiderate, it’s just the way we are. We feel our pain, our loss, our despair, our loneliness. We see others’ success, joy, delight, harmony.

When others come to us with their pain, the best we often manage to do is saying “I know how that feels”. When they come with our triumphs, we say “it’s not how it looks”.

The shift is: we all feel pain, loss, despair, loneliness, as we all achieve success, joy, delight and harmony. We don’t mean bad to others, others do not mean bad to us. We can be open.