Tag: bias

About to escalate

FabrizioLeave a comment

When a situation is about to escalate, be ready to do two things.

First, be ready to have a difficult conversation face to face. You can’t send an email, you can’t text, you can’t use the chat. In certain circumstances, you may still be able to use the phone, but be prepared when possible to meet face to face (or camera to camera in today’s world).

Second, be ready to concede. You will not get out of it if you put your foot down, if you want to win it all, if you are not open to be proven, at least in part, wrong.

But before that, how do you know a situation is about to escalate?

You feel it. You understand something is not right when you feel you are getting agitated, when you sense that being right is becoming more important than the outcome, when any minor event gets charged of unrealistic importance. So much so that you have to tell somebody or do something right away.

You have the power to defuse such incredibly dangerous situation, do not get sucked into them.

To mentor

Fabrizio1 Comment

You do not have to be a master to mentor. You do not have to be the best at what you do, neither you need to be an expert in what you do. You might have a passion, but that is just a like most of the time. You might feel competent and knowledgeable, but if you are completely honest that’s probably not how you feel in most cases.

If you believe any of the above is necessary to mentor, you are telling yourself a false story, you are giving up to resistance, you are pushing back something you would genuinely benefit from.

To mentor, you merely need to have experience and to be willing to give it away.

And when that is the case, you can start mentoring now. You will get back everything you put in. And more.

Not going to work

FabrizioLeave a comment

The things you say have a life of their own.

They do not fade once you are done saying them. They keep floating, and those who have heard them carry them around for an indefinite amount of time. They change in meaning. They change in strength. They change in effect.

Often they are still there once we have forgotten them. They might even become drivers for actions we later fail to understand. To our own misery.

The act of saying is anything but final. It’s a step in a process of reciprocal understanding, and we rarely do a good job with our own part.

Despite the fact we have never used it more, communication is fragile. Starting from the assumption it is not going to work is an easy way to become better at it.

Training empathy

FabrizioLeave a comment

We must say “I am sorry” and “thank you” as many time as it is needed to strip the expressions of any trace of shame, defeat, capitulation. We must say that often, over and over again.

Even when we are not fully convinced we should.

Even when the other person’s behaviour does not fully justify it.

Even when there are tens of additional things to take into consideration.

It is one of the most effective ways to train the empathy muscle, and start seeing those around us as human beings that live outside of our narratives.

Give it a try.

Not a straight line

FabrizioLeave a comment

Checking for others’ motives is a futile exercise, whose only purpose is to strengthen our internal narratives.

If I believe my work is not good enough, then the person asking how it is going is doing that only to mock me and enjoy my failure.

If I am not worth of the love of anybody, then the one checking on me is doing that only because they need something in return.

If I know I deserve that promotion, then the colleague who is silent about the process only wants to see my career end.

And on top of that, of couse motives are rarely absolute and unique. We ourselves often do things for a variety of reasons, some noble some less.

Helping those less lucky can be done out of compassion and because it gives us purpose.

We might ask how things are because we are genuinely interested in the other person and prefer to have chat rather than be left alone with our thoughts.

The tree we have planted in our garden is a great way to add to the green of the neighborhood and in its shadow we can relax in the hotter summer days.

Motives do not proceed in a straight line, and if we really want to find out about them, the best we can do is ask.