We navigate most conversations with the following question in mind.
What can I say so that the other will like me?
And even when we interpret the other’s will perfectly, we never leave the conversation with a feeling of satisfaction and achievement.
We should instead head into the conversation with an answer to the following question.
What can I say so that, at the end, I will give myself a high five?
Looking at things from another person’s perspective does not mean you are giving up. It does not mean you are wrong. It does not mean you agree with them. It does not mean that you are going to change your mind.
It merely means that you are open to accept that the other person is living through different circumstances, has a different set of prioritites, has different feelings, fears, and thoughts. It means you are ready to appreciate how variegated human behaviour can be. And it means that you care.
It’s not a loss. It’s the first step towards building empathy.
What if you are not it?
What if you are not the best choice for that role you so much want?
What if you are not the outstanding writer you have worked so hard to become?
What if you are not the father of the year?
What if you are not the person that will lead the company out of the crisis?
What if you are not the one who has a solution for every problem?
We rarely plan for failure, but at some point, we ought to consider the possibility that we are simply not it. Perhaps, we are not the main character, after all. What happens when we realize that?
There are still a lot of things we can be. We can be the guide, the supporting role, the cameo, or the director. We can still play a part and also decide that, after all, it is not the movie we want to be part of.
A narrow approach will limit our peripheral view.
And there’s so much more out there that’s waiting to be appreciated.
That thing that’s keeping you from delivering on your promise – to yourself or to someone else. Is that an excuse or a reason?
People – ourselves included – have little tolerance for excuses. If we keep repeating them over and over again, they do not become more acceptable. They simply make the relationship more difficult.
Understand the difference and take a stand.
Fun fact: we tend to hide excuses, burying them inside long monologues or beyond a volatile interpretation of data. Reasons, on the other end, emerge whenever we need to strengthen a connection.
You need to deploy a lot of strength to get rid of bad habits.
If you check your phone every five minutes, that’s a feeling of continuos anticipation of what you might learn.
If you read work emails in the evenings, that’s a feeling of commitment and importance and busyness.
If you eat a sweet snack four or five times a day, that’s a feeling of satisfaction and fullness.
Of course, tha aftermath of a bad habit is never as good as the moment that leads to it. But we are creatures of inputs, not creatures of outputs. We care about what comes before – the thoughts, the wondering, the emotions.
That’s why you need strength to get rid of a bad habit. Start with the phone, the emails, the snack, whatever you know will lead you there.
Half measures do not work in this case.
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