Category: self-help

The first time

FabrizioLeave a comment

The first time you catch yourself blaming your not doing something on an external factor is the very moment you should stop complaining and start doing.

I can’t do that because I do not have time.

I can’t do that because my partner would not agree.

I can’t do that because my boss would not praise me.

I can’t do that because society would not accept me.

Instead, the first time is often the beginning of a series of excuses we use to not put in the work. It is a place to hide, a wall we build, it is resistance. If you can’t do it the first time, do it the second, the third, the tenth, the hundredth. Do it sooner rather than later. Do it now.

Two stories

FabrizioLeave a comment

If you ask two people to describe the same meeting – or any other social happening they participate in -, you will most likely get two different stories. Sure, there will be some points in common, and yet many of the details will appear as if they do not belong to the same shared experience.

This is even more true the more history there is between the two people, and between them and the others attending the event. We all build our own narratives, and our mind is happier when it can focus just on things that confirm the narratives rather than disprove them. It is not uncommon to talk to two halves of a long term relationship, and find their versions of what happened in certain circumstances are quite opposite: one wanted to show affection, the other interpreted rejection; one thought there was a deep discussion about a certain matter, the other is sure the thing was never even considered in the realm of possibilities.

We need to accept this reality.

And we need to overcommunicate when it has the potential to harm something we hold dear. Negotiating shared meaning is a conscious effort, and it’s possibly the only way to avoid turning to each other as strangers one day or the other.

Maximum effect

FabrizioLeave a comment

Who is your main antagonist?

Is it the person cutting the line? Is it your partner who does not understand what you want? Is it your friend that never calls you? Is it that big company with unlimited resources to come after you? Is it the new start-up that does not play by the rules? Is it the government trying to regulate a previously unregulated field? Is it the customer who does not understand the change you are making in the world? Is it your boss who cannot see you for what you are really worth?

Or is it you?

Your bad day, your contrasting goals, your lack of capabilities, your unwillingness to compromise, your rigidity, your inability to express your needs, your stretching yourself too thin.

Put your focus where you can maximise the effect.

A matter of doing

FabrizioLeave a comment

The difference between reading of examples and setting the example is a matter of doing.

It is not a matter of knowing. Knowing more, knowing more accurate information, knowing the right people, knowing how to get ahead, knowing all of the shortcuts and hacks.

It is not a matter of being. Being better, being more educated, being in the right circle, being on time, being perfect, being more capable.

It is not a matter of having. Having more resources, having the slack necessary to innovate, having the greatest talents, having all the degrees, having a flawless background.

All these things can help, and if you have them all the better.

But in the end what matters is putting up with the tediousness and repetitiveness of doing, and sticking to it even when something new knocks at your door, even when no one is holding you accountable, even when it hurts.

Support

FabrizioLeave a comment

Some people might give you carte blanche, but you have more chances when it is support you ask.

Support happens when you have a plan, a target you want to achieve, some ideas on how to achieve it, and you need somebody to be there with you, along the way. Support is somehow conditional. Not conditional on you getting there, rather conditional on you staying the course.

Carte blanche lets you wander, support gives you focus. Always be mindful what you are asking for and whom you are asking to.