Category: leadership

Different languages

FabrizioLeave a comment

Sometimes, when talking to someone, you have the feeling you are speaking different languages.

And most likely, you are.

Perhaps you are talking about emotions and values, while they are talking about next week’s plans. Perhaps you want to nail down the details for the next events, while they are questioning if an event should be organized in the first place. Perhaps you are seeking guidance and wisdom, while they are just having a harsh period and all they can give is a condescending nod.

When this happens, the best thing you can do is to stop it right there. Not because you are right and they are wrong, not because you want to make a point, not because you are running late for your next meeting. Simply because it is a dead-end street.

Next time try negotiating the terms of the conversation right at the beginning, or even better when scheduling it.

I am seeking advice here.

I want to get a list of three actions we are going to take to move this forward.

I feel uncomfortable and demotivated, and I would like to have an open chat about my feelings.

I need to know what you are going to know about this.

Agree on a common ground, and things might end up in a better place.

The lazy approach

FabrizioLeave a comment

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you pick a new tool. And it will fail, because communication is about choosing what to communicate, how often, on which channels, to whom, while making whose who communicate accountable.

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you send an email. And it will fail, because communication works better face to face, over a period of time, in a two-way fashion, and when people communicating are actually open to changing their plans based of feedback.

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you go around the room. And it will fail, because communication needs an agenda, a plan, preparation, somebody who ensures we stick to the plan, somebody who takes the responsibility to cut others short.

The lazy approach to communication mandates that you speak your mind. And it will fail, because nobody wants to listen to you rambling while you attempt to clarify your opinion, your idea, your thoughts in front of an audience, just because you could not take ten minutes to write something down in advance.

Communication is hard work. And companies should stop half-assing it.

Contradiction

FabrizioLeave a comment

Every father (every parent, to be fair) learns to live with a sort of contradiction.

On one side, you know your kids are the most important thing in life. You would do anything for them, and in many cases you do. You put them first when you plan, you consider their feelings and needs to an extent you have never before experienced. You change your habits, your routines, your hobbies, and your interests.

On the other side, you gradually learn that you are the most important thing in their lives. That your sacrifice is often not needed, and sometimes even counterproductive. That your stretching yourself too thin means your kids will have to deal with a cranky and angry adult. And they will learn that’s how you are supposed to behave. That planning half an hour to do your stuff, undisturbed, will allow you to dedicate your full attention to them for the following couple of hours.

And so, we live with this contradiction, we struggle to find a balance, we tell ourselves stories. Until we realize that it is not a contradiction at all. No one who does not take care of themselves can expect to have a healthy relationship with anybody, let alone kids.

You put yourself first, to put them first.

Happy Father’s Day (in the Nordic Countries, at least)!

Adrift

FabrizioLeave a comment

Persistent means little without a direction.

You can endure adversities, continue despite opposition, resist most of what is thrown at you. And the best you can wish for is to end up somewhere that is not too bad.

Choose what to stick to before adventuring farther.

Conversations that connect

FabrizioLeave a comment

When you walk into a difficult conversation, check expectations, preconceptions, narratives at the door. You will have done 90% of the job.

That does not mean you are supposed to go unprepared. It just means leaving out the natural tendency to focus on things that reinforce negative ideas, and making an intentional effort to notice something positive that might be said, done, experienced.

It’s how you bring your better self into the moment. It’s how you unlock deep listening, sincere curiosity, empathic sharing. It’s how you build the connection that is necessary to talk about serious stuff.

It’s how you move forward.