Category: culture

Two categories of things

Fabrizio2 Comments

There are only two categories of things.

Things you have control over and things you do not have control over.

The things you have control over are a few. You can decide to do or not do something, you can decide what is important to you and what not, you can decide you like some things and not others. Even though it might seem you don’t, you also have control over your opinions, judgements, desires and aversions.

The things you do not have control over are quite many. For example, whether your action (or inaction) leads to a certain outcome is mostly out of our power. Also, whether others agree with you, share your same point of view, believe you are funny, beautiful, charismatic, boring, distasteful, and so. And, say the thing you like the most in the world is suddenly going to change, in shape, colour, taste, smell, packaging, quality. Yes, it is mostly out of your power.

Turns out most of the things we believe are important are in the second category. Money, success, reputation, a nice house, a beautiful family, meaningful social relationships. Sure, we can act in ways to facilitate one outcome over another, yet eventually what the outcome will be depends on factors different than our sole will.

If we turn the focus on what we have control over, instead, and close the loop there, we open to a life of satisfaction.

The point of going to the gym is not being healthy, it is going to the gym.
The point of doing good work is not getting a promotion, it is doing good work.
The point of writing is not being read, or being published, or selling millions of copies. It is writing.

And so on.

No strings attached

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“After all I’ve done for you” is something we say in the heat of the moment. And of course, it is a poor argument, a petty way to make the other feel guilty for something they have done.

Giving is not measurable and should never be treated like putting money in the bank. It’s not a transaction, something you can withdraw at some point in time, and expect to have it untouched.

When we give advice, support, help, time, energy, suggestion, even a gift, we could do it unconditionally. No strings attached. Giving is already making us feel good, there is no need to add a possible future reward to the mix.

So, instead of “after all I’ve done for you”, we could attempt to get better in touch with our feelings and explain more in details what is wrong.

“I have seen you do this, and it does not make me feel alright.”
“I am angry, because this came unexpected.”
“I am sad, as you have done something you know I generally do not support.”
“I demand honesty from our relationship, and the fact you are lying now really hurts me.”

Ordinarily extraordinary

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We all are ordinary.

Ordinary is our fragility, our pain, our fear, our anger and our continuos search for a fix. Ordinary is the way we feel about others, the impression to have been set up against the whole World, the hurried decision we make about something that lasts. Ordinary is our joy, our excitement, that feeling we can accomplish everything anytime anywhere, followed by the sudden and inevitable realisation that it is not true. Ordinary are our surroundings, our contexts, our scenarios and situations, our homes, offices, gardens, restaurants, cafes and shops. Ordinary is the way we think of that, how we cling to it, the partly inexplicable desire to be measured according to how good that is.

The fact all of that (and much more) is ordinary does not mean we are not important. It means we are not alone. The moment we realise and practice that is the moment we become extraordinary.

It’s when we sit with the discomfort and end up laughing at it. It’s when we lend an helping hand to our neighbour, despite feeling shattered and not liking them. It’s when we are not carried away by easy ups, stay aware of the upcoming downs and focus on the long term. It’s when we treat the stuff we build around us, material or not, as temporary, mutable, ultimately not a reflection of who we really are. It’s when we understand that thoughts and feelings come and go, and what remains is now.

We all are ordinarily capable of achieving extraordinary things.

What’s your El Capitan?

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I’ve recently been very fascinated by the story surrounding the free solo ascent of El Capitan by Alex Honnold. The story is now a documentary (which I still have to watch), and you can also find interesting details in this very genuine TedTalk and in this interview.

Part of the fascination, for me at least, is because I am completely afraid of heigths. And part is because it is a great example of how to live ordinarily an extraordinary life (or challenge, or meeting, or presentation, or … fill in the blanks for what seems insormountable to you).

  1. Pick your field – Climbing is not very popular, free soloing (or any of the other tens of niches in climbing) even less. Alex Honnold did not choose climbing to be popular, yet while nowadays we tend to reach for the masses (internet giving us the illusion that everybody is around the corner), his story and that of the other climbers he mentions tell us that to be satisfied with what you do, it is not necessary to be a mass celebrity.
  2. Prepare – It was a long preparation, it took years for him to convinve himself he was ready for the task. The discipline he put into this is outstanding, there was no improvisation, no unexpected turns. In his TedTalk, he tells of his other out of the ordinary free solo ascent (Half Dome) and how it felt unsatisfying as he did not know how to prepare for such a challenge, and then decided to take a different route from the planned one right while he was climbing to the top. The preparation this second time was so meticolous that at some point he and a friend went down El Capitan to remove some stones from a crack to prevent them from falling during the climb and potentially hitting and harming somebody below. He thought of everything, so much so that when it was the right time, he just had to do it.
  3. Focus – He spent the week before the ascent in almost complete isolation. He disconnected from the World, as he wanted to be 100% focused on the task ahead. No distraction, if that’s the most important thing that is going to happen to you in a career (even though you’ll have more in the future, and you probably won’t risk to die if you make a mistake).

We can all learn by watching great successes, even those so clearly beyond our reach. Just make sure you pay attention to what comes before, not after. Again, journey not destination.

When free and everything are the norm

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Tripadvisor has made the news today for an unpleasant story about women behing sexually assaulted in hotels that are reviewed on the website. The article is missing a lot of important information, yet there are a couple of points worth making regarding web platforms and the type of expectations users have.

First of all, what we used to love about the internet (It’s free! You can find everything! Everybody has a voice! It’s freedom!) is gradually becoming more and more nuanced and problematic. People are increasingly asking for a different type of service, one that takes responsibility and action, a service that not only aggregates content, but also curates it and makes sure that it is of high quality on different levels. This is quite a huge reversal, and while I am not sure people really want the kind of restriction and control some are asking to counter the most sensitive problems, it is a growing demand that most internet-based services did not plan for.

Secondly, the very fact that services did not plan for this reverse makes them feel completely lost in the wake of similar requests. They lack this scenario from their DNA, and they are therefore extremely vulnerable. The “platform” mantra – according to which “we are just providing a platform to share content on, we are not responsible for the content itself” – is past obsolete by now. The attempt to respond by increasing the human control is often ineffective, partly because it is guided by the faint aspiration of addressing an emotional problem with rational tools. And artificial intelligence is demonstrating all of its current shortages when deployed to help in this area.

The way we look at internet-based service is clearly shifting. The shift is now driven mainly by extreme cases, that are often followed by extreme demands. There are huge gains available for the platform that will quit putting out fires and start planning for a long term scenario in which free, freedom, and everything are the norm, and the quality and humanity of the service (again, on various levels) will make a difference. I am extremely curious to find out who this player will be.