Category: culture

A shortcut

Fabrizio1 Comment

There is an old joke, I am not sure where it is originally from, but at least I am quite sure I have heard it in the series The Middle.

It’s about a wife, frustrated at her husband as he never shares his feelings for her. “You never say I love you”, she says. “I told you when we got married”, he counters. “If anything changes, I will let you know.”

This reflects quite well the attitude towards praise in business.

Managers think members of their teams know where they stand, because they once shared a “good job!” with them, or at the very least because if things would not be ok, for sure they would let them know.

It is an easy shortcut to avoiding a serious conversation about the job that is being done, one that requires a careful look at the whole (what we are doing as a company, why it does matter, where we are headed, …) and at its parts (how does what you are doing fits into it, what I did like of your job in particular, what can be improved, …).

If you do not express sufficient (and specific) appreciation for the people you lead, chances are they are going to look for it somewhere else.

Do not be surprised when they do.

Start yesterday

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One of the greatest misconceptions of our days is that we can connect only when we are at our best.

I am not going outside as the outfit I wear is not appropriate.
I will not meet anybody as my hair have not been done yet.
This is not good to publish as I look like a pig in it.
I am not really photogenic, so go ahead and take the picture without me.

This also translates in a broader approach to doing.

I am not going to that event, I have nothing interesting to share.
I am not writing, I have not a great story to tell.
I will still shut up at the next meeting, people do not want to hear what I have to say.
I can’t do my best job, I am not in my most perfect condition.

The fact is, most relationships are built on difficult moments, challenges and adversities. And you will not realize what interesting, great and perfect are like until you will have done uninteresting, not great and imperfect at least a thousands time before.

Of course, the misconception and its broader translation is simply another face of resistance.

We should all have started yesterday.

Two steps

Fabrizio1 Comment

Why is this happening to me?
Why are they doing this to me?
Why is this situation so unfair (to me)?

This is where most people start from. And so the first step is the step of curiosity, taking yourself out of the equation and becoming genuinely interested in what is going on. Both inside and outside of you.

I wonder why this is happening.
There might be some reasons why they are doing this.
What is determining the situation?

The second step is the step of acceptance. We now know what is going on that makes an action, an event, a word, a scenario so unbearable for us, and we realise that all the fuss is determined by a story we are telling ourselves about the world. We are now free to let go of it and continue our important work.

This is happening.
They are doing this.
Here is the situation.

Voice your state

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The next time we walk into a situation with a negative feeling (anxiety, fear, anger, shame, doubtfulness, sadness, preoccupation, …), a way to unlock the impasse is to voice our state right at the beginning.

I have had bad experiences before, this is way I am afraid and anxious.

I don’t usually do a good job when there is a deadline looming, and I now feel doubtful and preoccupied.

I was seeking support and I don’t think I have gotten it, that’s why I am angry now.

I feel quite shameful and a bit anxious in being here in front of you today.

When we do this, our feelings immediately start to dissipate, and that’s because they are not just ours anymore. They are shared.

What’s more, we set the audience for empathy, as what we are saying is most likely much more relatable than the behaviour we might manifest.

Two gifts

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The two greatest gifts a leader can give their team are the following

  • An interesting problem to solve – Something that looks at the future, a new path to discover, a way to improve on what has been done so far.
  • The support and resources to help them solve it – Tools, budget, attention, care, shielding, buy-in.

If you consider this, how many of the managers you’ve met in your career, how many of those you are working with now, how many of the ones that are in charge of the well-being of hundreds of people, can genuinely be called leaders?

Have you ever considered starting to demand that they behave as such?