Author: Fabrizio

Trust can be given

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When we say that trust needs to be earned, what we are really saying is that we are afraid and we want to maintain control over the situation. We are afraid because we do not know the other person, we have no history with them, we are unsure they can deliver as good a job as we expect, we cannot pretend them to be as committed as we are.

The problem is, when we approach a new relationship with this mindset, it is highly unlikely the other is ever going to earn our trust. And even if they will, it will be so because they have complied, they have gone along with our requests, they have checked all the boxes and eventually become a sort of clone.

This is not how progress happens.

Trust can be given, upfront. It requires a leap of faith, opening up and believing that someone else can achieve things that are not part of our current immagination, and yet are good. It means we can lose control, accept they might be better, and perhaps even step aside and let them on at some point. Trust is forward motion, and if we are solid enought to gift it to others, we can establish meaningful relationships that add up to much more than their individual parts.

Labelling

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Labels stick.

This is why we get defensive when we are assigned one we do not like, as well as why we should be careful when assigning one to others.

It happens a lot when we deliver feedback. Things like “it does not seem you are committed enough” (label = “indifferent”), or “you could do so much more if only..” (label = “underperformer”), or “you are very aggressive in meetings”, trigger defensiveness in others. And they tend to be profoundly ineffective. After all, would you be motivated in changing your behaviour if somebody would tell you that, or would you rather assume a defensive stance?

And unfortunately it is a tendency permeating much of the public discussion nowadays, both online and offline. More and more, we see people attacking each others on a personal level, labelling each others for life, defining each others’ set of values, beliefs, needs and motives based on a single action or word. In most circumstances, this is gratuitous.

It’s worth remembering that when we interact with somebody, all we see is what they do, all we hear is what they say and, in the case of the internet, all we know is what they write. We have no way to know their intentions. If we want to create some type of change, it might be more effective to approach the issue from our perspective, and elaborate on what we actually feel. This is the only other thing that we know.

When I hear that, I feel like my heritage and history is not being respected.
If I come across that type of comments, I feel sadness as we might never find a common way.
When I see a behaviour that does not respect others’ boundaries, I feel as if mine have been violated as well.

P.S.: today’s thought was sparked by this post of Ed Batista on feedback, and by the work of David Bradford and Mary Ann Huckabay on the metaphor of “the net”.

 

 

The narrative killer

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A good way to stop being busy is to avoid saying that you are.

“How are you?”
“Busy.”

I did this many times myself, and it’s not really a nice way to move the conversation forward. Even more, busy is the narrative killer: if you repeat it long enough, that’s the the only story you and others will hear about yourself. It is a sticky one, very difficult to get rid of, even after some time has passed and, to be honest, you are no longer as busy as you were the first time you said it.

“How are you?”
“I am excited as I have just received confirmation that we will go ahead with the project.”
“I am disappointed as I have been told we are not moving forward with the hiring process.”
“I am exhausted as yesterday had to work all evening on the presentation for next week.”
“I am really looking forward to join your team meeting next month and present what we are working on.”

Busy is a common safeplace, and it shades us for taking responsibility for how we actually feel and what we are actually doing that is important. Stop saying you are busy and you will find yourself taking some time to discover how you actually are.

“How are you?”
“I am a little overworked at the moment, but it is fine, as I am working on things I love. What about you?”

 

Add or subtract

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What if the next Democratic candidate at the White House would start their campaign speech by saying: “I do appreciate the work the Trump administration has done so far, particularly for what concerns the boost to the economy, the renovated focus on national security and the efforts put into establishing a negotiating table with North Korea. And to further bring America towards the future, here is how my administration is going to build up and expand on the these and other themes.”

There is really no effective benefit in going one against the other, a part from reinforcing each others’ views and widening the gap that separate us. In politics, as well as in business, interpersonal relationships and society in general, you can either add or subtract to the work of others who came before you.

Adding is the path towards unity, forward motion, long-term and prosperity. It is about building bridges and building them together, trying to go somewhere nobody has been before. Consider this the next time you are asked to take on a new assignment.

I still go “ouch!”

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When things go bad, I still go “ouch!”.

When my daughter (rarely) or my son (more often) throw a tantrum, I still go “ouch!”. When my work gets rejected, the neighbour does not say “hi!”, a stranger cuts my way, the weather is not the way I had planned it to be, a bee flies a little too close to me, the canteen has nothing decent to offer, or somebody close tells me something that hurts, I still go “ouch!”. And sometimes, I go a little beyond “ouch!”.

What meditation is gently teaching me, though, is to stop there. To understand that disappointment, anger, anxiety, frustration, fear, loneliness are feelings that can be identified, appreciated and let go. That it is ok to complain (a little bit) when the grand scheme of things is not in line with your desires, and that you can still continue living and doing just as you were a moment earlier. And that no, nobody is plotting against my happiness or success.

Meditation is a great gift, and if you are as inclined as I am to see the dark side of things, it is going to help you appreciate that as well as the brightness that is just few steps ahead.