Tag: self-improvement

Dispersing energy

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How much energy do we spend trying to come out on top?

Being the best in our class, in our team, in our company; walking faster than others to try to get a best spot in the queue; paying for something we don’t need with money we don’t have; winning that argument that is draining the energy of our peers; speeding up as the traffic light gets yellow to pass just in time; refreshing the page to buy the tickets first, or to comment on the video first. Is there satisfaction in this? And if so, how long does it last?

How much energy to we spend giving external factors the keys to us being on top?

Wishing our partner would be more loving, our boss more caring, our colleagues more helpful. If only that thing would work out this way. If we could only win one more customer. If only the weather could be good tomorrow. I wish I had 10,000€ more to afford that car. Or some more time to spend with my family. My team won, and I am happy!

I choose to be responsible for my experience. In other words, the weather does not upset me. I upset myself because I am attached to beliefs about the weather. I believe it should be sunny and not cloudy. I am the source of my beliefs, and I am attached to being right about my beliefs, and when the world does not cooperate, I upset myself.

Jim Dethmer, Leading Above the Line

Coming out on top and letting external factors determine what the top looks like are incredibly tiring activities. Most of us live in a constant fight, one in which we have no power (we don’t get to change the weather) and the prize for which is not really something we are looking forward to.

There’s value in coming out second, third, fourth or ninehundredninetyninth. It’s for us to decide.

Secret recipes

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Sometimes I wonder why so many people decide to share their secret sauce online. Why should they give away what made them and their organisations successful, particularly if they are still in business? Why not keeping it all for themselves, compounding edge on competitors and alternatives?

Then I immediately realize, of course they do.

They know that 99.9% of the people that will consume their content will do absolutely nothing about it. Even when you read that to be rich there are three things you totally have to do, or that to get more leads you need to follow a four-step strategy (success guaranteed!), or that the future of work demands you to most definitely have these ten characteristics, getting to implement that requires an effort that the vast majority of people are simply not ready to put in. An Italian saying goes something like “there’s a whole sea between saying and doing”, and that is the case here. Just because you know something, even if it probably would benefit you, does not mean you are capable of applying that and make of it an habit.

The remaining 1% also do not represent a danger for those who share. The power of context, timing, luck have to be factored in the recipe, and that is something nobody can replicate. Looking back at what happened in the past and pinpoint some key success factors is easy. A lot more challenging is to be at point zero and figure out how to proceed from there towards success.

The point, I guess, is that if you have something to share, something that people might find valuable, something that might help somebody somewhere, go ahead and share away. Even your most secret ingredients are safe in plain sight.

And if you are one of the consumers of content, be mindful that things that are shared are usually a sensible starting point, but to make them work for you it’s not enough to put in the work, you’ll also have to figure out how to make them work for you.

Find the challenge

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It’s pleasant to hear we are right, to be praised for the great work we are doing, to be surrounded by people who let us do what we believe is worth doing.

And yet, it’s a position in which we should feel uncomfortable.

As nobody is perfect, and most of us are far from it, if all we hear are praises and applauses one of two things is happening: either the criticism and the alternatives are being hidden from us or we are in an environment that lacks diversity. In both cases, we are not hearing the other side of the story, the one that would make our understanding rounder and more effective.

He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.

John Stuart Mill

When we are afraid

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Heights scare me.

It’s a truth I get confirmed every time I stand at more than two metres above the ground. Last week I was on a panoramic tower at an amusement park with my son. I thought I could do it, as it looked safe and was completely closed by one big window. And he really wanted to go. But as soon as we started moving up, I realised it was a bad idea. No way to go back, there were many people with us, and the climb was automatized. As we were sitting there and moving up, I grabbed my son, telling him to stay seated and composed, as moving too much could be dangerous (not true). At some point, I have also put a whole arm across his chest (as a sort of safety belt), and he immediately reacted by removing my arm and asking “daddy, why are you doing this?”.

Why was I doing it?

Of course, I was seeking control. When we are afraid and when things start to slip away, we seek control. We want to make sure that the world is comfortable and predictable, and the way we try to achieve that is by taking control on what we have power on.

It’s a natural reaction, and yet one that has at least a couple of problems.

First, it prevents us from experiencing the situation: I have no memory of what I saw on the tower, no clear idea of what I was feeling and where, and not a single more tool to try to fight the fear should I find myself in the same situation again.

Second, it prevents others around us from experiencing the situation: my son was bothered by my behaviour, he probably enjoyed the ride anyway, but I am not sure he would like to go again with me, and to be honest I cannot blame him.

For as difficult as it is in certain situations, letting go is the best thing one can do in the face of fear. Appreciating the fact that the present moment is scary for you, understanding how it makes you feel, taking a deep breath, and completely taking in what is going on.

Train with small things first, then pass onto the bigger ones. It will be liberating.

Allocating resources

Fabrizio1 Comment

The ability to move past things is a direct measure of future success.

How long will you keep working on that project that has zero evidence of success potential? How long will you continue with the same strategy when everything around is telling you it’s wrong? How many excuses will you come up with to motivate keeping in the team a person who is no longer the right fit? How far will you push your regret for that promotion you have not been granted against everyone’s expectations? How much is the last big failure going to impact the way you approach your next responsibility?

We have the impression that by sticking to things, plans, ideas, people we commit to them, and if we do that long enough, we will make them better. More often, that is just an excuse, an easy way to hide behind the power of sunk costs and limited possibilities.

Once you have determined that you’ve given the situation your 100%, and yet it is still not working, move past that. It’s not being cold and heartless, it’s not jumping from one opportunity to the next, it’s not a selfish act. It’s allocating the limited resources you have at your disposal at any given time. When you do that by focusing mostly on the past, chances are the future will look grim.