Tag: feedback

Protect who you are

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Whether we are on the giving or on the receiving part of feedback, we need to make it very clear that there is a distinction between what we do and who we are.

This is liberating. Understanding that what the other person is saying is not a personal critique, as well as approaching the act of providing feedback with the intent of not imposing our worldview on the other, is what makes a relationship stronger and thriving.

So, when we ask for feedback, let’s be specific in what we are seeking. Can you tell me what you think of this thing I wrote? Do you think I should use this or that framework? What would you do to make it better? How do you think I could get better at presenting?

And let it be clear (to us) that what is at stake is not our character, our career, our relationships, our life, our future, our being. Only a minuscule part of that.

When we prepare to give feedback, on the other hand, let’s focus on things that happened and on how we interpreted that or how it made us feel. When that happened, I noticed everyone in the room went silent. This other framework is used more in such cases, because… . I really liked that part of your last e-mail, I find it showed great empathy and consideration. Your presentation featured very interesting information for the company, and with this and that you can make it memorable next time.

If we set a middle ground to have the conversation, without aggressing the other person’s space and building a resistance to our more vulnerable self with awareness and confidence, the magic of candor can truly happen.

Labelling

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Labels stick.

This is why we get defensive when we are assigned one we do not like, as well as why we should be careful when assigning one to others.

It happens a lot when we deliver feedback. Things like “it does not seem you are committed enough” (label = “indifferent”), or “you could do so much more if only..” (label = “underperformer”), or “you are very aggressive in meetings”, trigger defensiveness in others. And they tend to be profoundly ineffective. After all, would you be motivated in changing your behaviour if somebody would tell you that, or would you rather assume a defensive stance?

And unfortunately it is a tendency permeating much of the public discussion nowadays, both online and offline. More and more, we see people attacking each others on a personal level, labelling each others for life, defining each others’ set of values, beliefs, needs and motives based on a single action or word. In most circumstances, this is gratuitous.

It’s worth remembering that when we interact with somebody, all we see is what they do, all we hear is what they say and, in the case of the internet, all we know is what they write. We have no way to know their intentions. If we want to create some type of change, it might be more effective to approach the issue from our perspective, and elaborate on what we actually feel. This is the only other thing that we know.

When I hear that, I feel like my heritage and history is not being respected.
If I come across that type of comments, I feel sadness as we might never find a common way.
When I see a behaviour that does not respect others’ boundaries, I feel as if mine have been violated as well.

P.S.: today’s thought was sparked by this post of Ed Batista on feedback, and by the work of David Bradford and Mary Ann Huckabay on the metaphor of “the net”.

 

 

How to start trusting others

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Three ways to start the good habit of trusting others, particularly if you are in a leadership role.

  1. Praise others’ strengths. This is not about saying “good job” or “keep up the great work”, but actually about taking time to identify things people do well and break those down with them. Why are they good? Why do they matter (to the organisation, to the purpose)? What is it that makes them special? How can we make sure you can re-do this next time?
  2. Listen without distraction. I wrote about listening yesterday. Making sure you are 100% present during a conversation (that is to say, at least listening to understand) means you are trusting others with your time. No, you don’t need to check your phone every five minutes. No, you do not have to quickly answer an e-mail as somebody is talking to you. And probably no, the phone call you are getting is not important and you do not have to take it.
  3. Delegate responsibilities. Delegating, in general, is difficult. In part, we don’t want to bother others; in part, we do not believe others can do as good a job as we can. Furthermore, when we delegate we usually delegate tasks: “can you work on this report?”; “can you take next week’s presentation?”; “can you update this process?”. I believe we can do a better job by delegating responsibilities, that generally feature more freedom and exposure: “We have been tasked with achieving this type of growth, can you take ownership?”; “I have been in charge of updating the management, how about you do it from now on?”; “So far, managers from the headquarters have done most of the touch bases with remote offices, how do you feel about taking that?”.

When does feedback matter?

Fabrizio1 Comment

Feedback is important, and as I wrote before the only thing to say when we get it is “thank you”.

Yet, we should not fall into the trap of taking action on every piece of feedback we get. Feedback is about the person who is giving it much more than it is about the person who is getting it. If I tell somebody “you should be more productive”, that simply means that the person does not fit into my idea of productivity. If somebody tells me “you should listen more”, that simply means that from where they stand, they are under the impression I am not listening enough.

Consider three things when you get feedback.

Who is giving it? Is that a person you care about, somebody important in your life? Is that your customer, or somebody your work is not intended for? Is that a friend, a family-member, somebody who knows you intimately?

What channel is it coming from? Did they bother picking up the phone, sharing their thoughts face-to-face, at least letting you know who they are? Or is it an anonymous feedback, something you are reading on social media, the starred opinion of a faceless and nameless reader?

What are they saying? Is it something you are hearing for the first time, or something somebody else has already noticed about you in the past? Is it a piece of advice you can act on, or just an opinion, a feeling, a thought? Are they sharing kindly, from the bottom of their heart, or are they being mean, malicious, trying to elicit any kind of reaction?

Once you have considered all this, of course still say “thank you”. And take action only if it makes sense. Otherwise, move on and continue delivering your best work.

Promises

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We all make promises. Sometimes we say we will do something, other it’s just the mere fact that we are in a certain position that “promises” we will act in certain ways and not in others.

Promises are extremely complicated. Once a promise is made, a pact is established. Nobody likes to be break pacts, yet it is a fact of every day life that most promises are not kept. We forget about them, we do not have time to actually stand by them, we change our mind, we probably did not intend to commit in the first place but thought it was nice or appropriate in the moment.

I found few things to help when it comes to promises and acting on one’s words.

Promise little. Wanting to please people around us is normal, and so we tend to say we will do things even when we already know we don’t have enough time or energy, we don’t really care, we have not the skills to, and so on. Be honest with yourself in the first place, and promise only what you know you can deliver.

Be specific with the promise. Tell what you will do, how, when, with whom, add as many details as you possibly can. This will help you set a plan in your mind that will eventually make it easier to stick to your word. This is particularly helpful also when the promise is done because of the position you are in: if you start in a lead role, it is for example very useful to sit down with the people you will lead and set clear expectations about your role.

Remember and do. This is the tricky bit. Promising little will help you remember, and being specific will help you with doing. Yet eventually, you will still have to follow up on the promise. Doing it is ideal, yet if for any reason you realise you can’t, you will still have to openly and candidly tell something like: “I know I said I would, and for this and that reason it is not possible right now”.