Tag: feedback

Different languages

FabrizioLeave a comment

Sometimes, when talking to someone, you have the feeling you are speaking different languages.

And most likely, you are.

Perhaps you are talking about emotions and values, while they are talking about next week’s plans. Perhaps you want to nail down the details for the next events, while they are questioning if an event should be organized in the first place. Perhaps you are seeking guidance and wisdom, while they are just having a harsh period and all they can give is a condescending nod.

When this happens, the best thing you can do is to stop it right there. Not because you are right and they are wrong, not because you want to make a point, not because you are running late for your next meeting. Simply because it is a dead-end street.

Next time try negotiating the terms of the conversation right at the beginning, or even better when scheduling it.

I am seeking advice here.

I want to get a list of three actions we are going to take to move this forward.

I feel uncomfortable and demotivated, and I would like to have an open chat about my feelings.

I need to know what you are going to know about this.

Agree on a common ground, and things might end up in a better place.

Conversations that connect

FabrizioLeave a comment

When you walk into a difficult conversation, check expectations, preconceptions, narratives at the door. You will have done 90% of the job.

That does not mean you are supposed to go unprepared. It just means leaving out the natural tendency to focus on things that reinforce negative ideas, and making an intentional effort to notice something positive that might be said, done, experienced.

It’s how you bring your better self into the moment. It’s how you unlock deep listening, sincere curiosity, empathic sharing. It’s how you build the connection that is necessary to talk about serious stuff.

It’s how you move forward.

Questions and answers

FabrizioLeave a comment

Leadership means asking questions.

What is the problem?

What can we do that is new and better?

How do we tackle this issue?

What if we do something else?

How can I help you?

If your days, your meetings, your interactions are filled with answers, you are doing something else entirely.

Take Gary Kaplan, who changed the culture of a hospital in Seattle. He took his top people to Japan and said, “Look what they’re doing over here. Do you see anything that might apply to our hospital?” He was very humble. He knew they had to fix the hospital, but he didn’t know how to do that. He was also very autocratic about, “We’re all going to go to Japan”; he managed the process. But the content and what they actually ended up doing, he built from the ground up.

Edgar Schein, In Conversation with Edgar Schein

Bridge

FabrizioLeave a comment

When one gets squeezed between two opposing forces, it is quite usual to start depicting both forces as enemies.

Lousy middle management is a great representation of this.

Middle managers are at the crossroads of contrasting needs and ambitions, and the result can easily get to “management has unreasonable expectations” and “my team is lazy and ineffective“.

Of course, this is a divisive approach. Soon enough everybody hates everybody, nobody is happy, and things never get done.

Being in the middle, though, also means having the opportunity to build a bridge. To stop and sit down and listen to what those needs and ambitions are about, help each part to formulate them in a way that makes sense to the other, and finding ways to be helpful and support action in a common direction.

It takes time, energy, and a lot of confidence in ourselves and others. And it always pays off.

Gripes go up

FabrizioLeave a comment

If you are in a position of power, be mindful not to complain to people who report to you.

Work is probably tougher, you are asked to juggle a load of different tasks, you are supposed to find time to talk to people, you negotiate, compromise, often work after hours, and I am sure at times it feels like simply too much to handle.

Yet, no one has forced that position onto you. You have a role that reflects the additional burdens, and most likely a salary that does that too. And if people who report to you can find the empathy to appreciate your difficulties, you are certainly more equipped (or you should be) to find the empathy to not push your frustration down the ranks.

Your organization might be flat, your management style open, friendly, and transparent.

But gripes go up.

That’s the only way you can affect change.

Private Reiben: Hey, so, Captain, what about you? I mean, you don’t gripe at all?

Captain Miller: I don’t gripe to you, Reiben. I’m a captain. There’s a chain of command. Gripes go up, not down. Always up. You gripe to me, I gripe to my superior officer, so on, so on, and so on. I don’t gripe to you. I don’t gripe in front of you.

Save Private Ryan