Tag: feedback

The golden mean

Fabrizio1 Comment

I bought this yesterday, what do you think?

Do you like my new haircut?

I heard you were at my presentation, did you enjoy it?

Honesty is a wonderful thing, but if you have ever had to answer the questions above (or any of their variations) you know that honesty has its dark side. Actually, two.

On one side, there’s exaggeration. It is a lie, often inflated. And it is used to gain some kind of advantage, whether it is a conflict to avoid, the need to be accepted, or even full-blown deception. Here is what exaggeration might look like.

I bought this yesterday, what do you think? It is gorgeous!

Do you like my new haircut? You look wonderful, wow!

I heard you were at my presentation, did you enjoy it? Absolutely, you have amazing skills!

On the other side, there’s disrespect. It is a truth, often inflated. And it is used to just let out whatever it is we feel inside in that particular moment, with no regard for those around us, their state of mind, their feelings, their circumstances. Here is what disrespect might look like.

I bought this yesterday, what do you think? It really sucks, you could have spared the money!

Do you like my new haircut? No, it stresses everything that is wrong with your face.

I heard you were at my presentation, did you enjoy it? I slept for most of the time, quite boring.

Honesty is about striking the balance between exaggeration and disrespect. And if you can’t do that, you will always struggle to communicate effectively: exaggeration taints the message, disrespect upsets the receiver. One way or the other, change will not happen.

Virtue is a mean between two vices, one of excess and one of deficiency.

Aristotle

Pick one

FabrizioLeave a comment

Since you have just started here / you have time / you have done it until now / I don’t want to do it, why don’t you take responsibility for this project?

Or alternatively.

I have noticed you working on a past project, and I appreciate how you could keep things on track while still communicating well with everyone involved. This new project is important for us, to be able to better serve our customers and increase retention. I feel we have the best chances to succeed if you are going to take care of it.

Which one would make you feel more motivated to deliver your best possible work?

Which one is more often used from managers around the world?

Lack of communication

FabrizioLeave a comment

Silence is golden. Lack of communication is not.

One can find comfort in silence. It is a moment of reflection, of expression, of deep connection. Leaders who learn the power of silence are better listeners, and their team members get in a habit of sharing.

Lack of communication is on the opposite side of the spectrum. It is about retreating, hiding, avoiding. Lack of communication digs holes that others will fill with assumptions, fears, and regrets. The more difficult the situation, the wider the holes. Many leaders practice lack of communication, and their team members get in a habit of keeping to themselves.

Doubt

Fabrizio2 Comments

Doubt is what will eventually strengthen us.

When we are not sure we are doing the right thing.

When we feel we are not being the better version of ourselves.

When we do not know if we are qualified enough.

When we struggle to find an answer.

When we can’t figure out how to approach a difficult conversation.

When we have no idea if that’s going to work out.

Doubt has the power to inject curiosity, to put us on a path towards betterment, to make us seek new connections and knowledge. Doubt is the fuel that ignites the next step.

Without doubt, we are stuck.

Not going to work

FabrizioLeave a comment

The things you say have a life of their own.

They do not fade once you are done saying them. They keep floating, and those who have heard them carry them around for an indefinite amount of time. They change in meaning. They change in strength. They change in effect.

Often they are still there once we have forgotten them. They might even become drivers for actions we later fail to understand. To our own misery.

The act of saying is anything but final. It’s a step in a process of reciprocal understanding, and we rarely do a good job with our own part.

Despite the fact we have never used it more, communication is fragile. Starting from the assumption it is not going to work is an easy way to become better at it.