Category: self-help

When we are afraid

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Heights scare me.

It’s a truth I get confirmed every time I stand at more than two metres above the ground. Last week I was on a panoramic tower at an amusement park with my son. I thought I could do it, as it looked safe and was completely closed by one big window. And he really wanted to go. But as soon as we started moving up, I realised it was a bad idea. No way to go back, there were many people with us, and the climb was automatized. As we were sitting there and moving up, I grabbed my son, telling him to stay seated and composed, as moving too much could be dangerous (not true). At some point, I have also put a whole arm across his chest (as a sort of safety belt), and he immediately reacted by removing my arm and asking “daddy, why are you doing this?”.

Why was I doing it?

Of course, I was seeking control. When we are afraid and when things start to slip away, we seek control. We want to make sure that the world is comfortable and predictable, and the way we try to achieve that is by taking control on what we have power on.

It’s a natural reaction, and yet one that has at least a couple of problems.

First, it prevents us from experiencing the situation: I have no memory of what I saw on the tower, no clear idea of what I was feeling and where, and not a single more tool to try to fight the fear should I find myself in the same situation again.

Second, it prevents others around us from experiencing the situation: my son was bothered by my behaviour, he probably enjoyed the ride anyway, but I am not sure he would like to go again with me, and to be honest I cannot blame him.

For as difficult as it is in certain situations, letting go is the best thing one can do in the face of fear. Appreciating the fact that the present moment is scary for you, understanding how it makes you feel, taking a deep breath, and completely taking in what is going on.

Train with small things first, then pass onto the bigger ones. It will be liberating.

When asking for help

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If you ask for help, the worst thing that could happen is that the person or the group you are asking to will not be receptive and you will not get any help. Your situation does not really get any worse.

It’s the same as having money to invest with only the potential gain to risk. Worst case scenario, you walk with your initial sum.

We often avoid asking for help for the fear of being judged, of letting others know we do not know, of feeling inferior and not being able to give back. And yet the benefit is so vast we should not think twice.

Also, it’s a powerful way to build networks.

Worrying

Fabrizio1 Comment

Worrying never helped one bit.

It does not make people feel better, it does not give the object of worrying a clearer shape, it does not move towards a solution.

Worrying is an easy shelter. When we say we worry about something, we take a distance from that thing, we see it from afar and hope we never get there.

What we would really need, instead, is to immerse ourselves in it, dissect it and see how it looks like. See if anything can be done about it, then act, and move on. Leaving behind all that is beyond our control.

Truth is, worrying is comforting. It takes courage to move past it.

Insecure

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If you feel insecure, say it out loud.

The alternative is to try to take control of everything, check that work is done according to your taste, grab both strategy and execution, possibly move from one place to the next without achieving nothing that is worth sharing, shout in the face of those who bear no responsibility, be kind with those who bear plenty, judge for the fear of being judged, diminish others to maintain the feeling to be on top.

If you feel insecure, say it out loud. While people tend to stay clear from the behaviour listed above, they appreciate vulnerability and the capacity to own one’s own feelings. Furthermore, the moment you name it is the moment you start getting more secure. And a whole new world will open for you.

200

FabrizioLeave a comment

Today is my 200th post on this blog.

As I write day after day, I realize there are two broad topics that I enjoy to focus on. Strictly interrelated, but different.

The first one is about awareness. Understanding who we are as persons. It has a lot to do with soul-searching, empowering us to deeply grasp what we are around for, what we set out to do, why that matters to us. It is a curious aspect, as most people are not really into it. We have the tendency to focus our efforts and attention on action, rather than reflection. I was definitely not into it, until a few years back.

The second one is about practice. Do what you are doing, for the reasons and with the determination you have shed light upon with reflection. Be consistent with it, not letting failures or defeats interrupt the flow. Or in case you get to interrupt it for any reasons, understanding that it is not the end of who you are, and the things you practice will still be there for you once you are ready to commit to them anew.

The two are inseparable, they are in constant dialogue: doing things without understanding the reasons why you are doing them, or knowing who you are without expressing yourself in the world in some ways, is sad and disappointing.

The real magic happens when there is alignment between awareness and practice. It is not a thing for the moment, rather something to approach with long term in mind. And yet, there’s no better moment to start than right now.