Category: self-help

Two steps

Fabrizio1 Comment

Why is this happening to me?
Why are they doing this to me?
Why is this situation so unfair (to me)?

This is where most people start from. And so the first step is the step of curiosity, taking yourself out of the equation and becoming genuinely interested in what is going on. Both inside and outside of you.

I wonder why this is happening.
There might be some reasons why they are doing this.
What is determining the situation?

The second step is the step of acceptance. We now know what is going on that makes an action, an event, a word, a scenario so unbearable for us, and we realise that all the fuss is determined by a story we are telling ourselves about the world. We are now free to let go of it and continue our important work.

This is happening.
They are doing this.
Here is the situation.

Voice your state

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The next time we walk into a situation with a negative feeling (anxiety, fear, anger, shame, doubtfulness, sadness, preoccupation, …), a way to unlock the impasse is to voice our state right at the beginning.

I have had bad experiences before, this is way I am afraid and anxious.

I don’t usually do a good job when there is a deadline looming, and I now feel doubtful and preoccupied.

I was seeking support and I don’t think I have gotten it, that’s why I am angry now.

I feel quite shameful and a bit anxious in being here in front of you today.

When we do this, our feelings immediately start to dissipate, and that’s because they are not just ours anymore. They are shared.

What’s more, we set the audience for empathy, as what we are saying is most likely much more relatable than the behaviour we might manifest.

Time to leap

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When most of your time is spent doing things you were doing yesterday.

When the most common answer to ideas is “something to keep in mind for the future”.

When you get lost in planning and details, postponing what matters in search of perfect.

When you and those around you are busy, and yet that busyness does not bring you any closer to what you want to achieve.

It’s time to leap.

Following and picking

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Repeatedly, over the course of your career, you will be asked to conform to certain standards or rules.

You need to meet certain requirements to get a job, for specific roles you will be asked specific qualifications, if you get to be a manager there are certain procedures you will have to adhere to. It is normal, and that’s what makes things somewhat reliable, trustworthy, known.

The fact is, there are two ways to go about standards and rules.

The first is to follow them. If they say you have to study a certain language to get a job, you do study it. If they say you need a certificate to be promoted, you do get the certificate. If they say you have to follow a procedure to advance your purpose, you do follow it.

The second is to pick them. Does it make sense? is the key question on this path. Will study that language add something to my value as an employee? Will it add to my story and my strengths? Will it make me more frustrated, because once I am done with that role, I will never be asked to use that language ever again?

You will probably surf between the two ways at different stages in your career. What matters most though, is that you understand that there are two ways, not one only.

Once you get to know what you are here for, what your value is, what your strengths are, what you have to offer and what you don’t have to offer, what sets you apart from the rest of us. Does it make sense to follow a rule that does not serve all of this?

A daily choice

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Not being an asshole is a daily choice.

Not letting your mood affect the way you treat others. Not setting the agenda of a company, of a department, of a team on the base of your current focus. Not having the stress derived from your position permeate every interaction, every decision, every exchange. Not allowing busyness to become the answer to all requests of help or information or attention or care. Not giving a bad day, an unsatisfactory job, a regretful life the power to determine the days, jobs and lives of those around you.

It’s not an If-This-Then-That type of situation. We have an active role in deciding how we follow up with actions and words to the circumstances of the world.

There might be mitigating circumstances, and yet we own this.