As I was thinking back to what I wrote few days back about the two different approaches to failure, it struck me how at its core a change is a failure.
It’s a failure of plans, of worldview, of beliefs and values, of expectations, of anticipations, of truths.
If you are not ready to embrace failure, to take responsibility for it, and move on with an expanded mindset, you are most likely not ready for change.
I was tired of living someone else’s dream and not living mine.
This is something we hear a lot these days, as we celebrate leaders and not followers.
It is very good to acknowledge, yet it is probably even more important to have the following clear:
1. what your dream is;
2. what living your dream means (in terms of sacrifices, things to leave behind, compromises to make, and so on);
3. living someone else’s dream is not a subpar option (the dream might be, but there are plenty out there).
Many years ago, I was once interviewing with a company, and during the hiring process I realised that they were lying to their audience.
It was not a big lie, it was about inflating some numbers to look bigger, something that most companies do. I was kind of surprised with the tone one of the executives in the room told me that was a lie: it felt like I was talking to a kid caught with their hands in the cookie jar, he was very apologetic, and he had a very good and thorough explanation on the reasoning behind the lie.
That episode should have been an eye-opener to the culture I could have found in the day-to-day operations. Because the fact is, lies spread.
A lie leads to more lies. It is very difficult to stop at one lie, to just say this little one once, for the best possible reason, and then go back to telling the truth.
A lie infects others. It is more than likely that, if you start with a lie, others around you will not be honest and transparent in return.
A lie begs for a wider audience. If you tell a lie to your customers, chances are next you are going to lie to your business partner, to the shareholders, to the employees, to the community.
Interviews are full of these kind of hints. But we are often blind to them, as we tell ourselves the story that having a job is the priority. It is not, and we could be better at picking jobs that align with our values.
There are two ways to approach failure.
Focus on blame. And then put all your energy in arguing, sentencing, punishing, recovering from the missed opportunity, and eventually (only eventually, with what’s left) rush to some practical action.
Or focus on responsibility. Own it, consult for possible solutions, move on to mitigating actions, and genuinely learn from what has happened.
The first approach burns bridges. It aims at making things clear, crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s, shaming those involved, making sure this will not happen ever again. Even when we do not mean ill, the results are the same. And we are a bit more alone, no matter if the failure was on us.
The second approach builds bridges. It aims at creating a connection, finding ways to work together, building resilience and be ready for the next one. It is incremental, and the more you do it, the more benefit you and the ones around you will get from it.
The same thing is valid for change as well, by the way.
There is a beautiful Ted Talk by Kathryn Schultz about being wrong.
The most interesting part starts at 3:54. It is about what being wrong feels like. There is first a significant distinction between “being wrong” and “realising to be wrong”. Then Kathryn Schultz ends the argument by saying that, while after the realisation we might feel “embarassed”, “dreadful”, and completely down, in the very moment we are wrong, the feeling is very much different.
It does feel like something to be wrong; it feels like being right.
Kathryn Schultz
We are all confident we are right about many different aspects of life, and the funny thing is the more we are, the more we try to convince others of our view. Others that, from their perspective, are absolutely right about everything.
It is an endless fight, one with no winners. To paraphrase Dale Carnagie, there is only one possible outcome to any argument. If you lose it, you lose it. If you win it, you lose it.
Nobody will ever look at you as a saviour, the one who came enlighten their path that was previously dark and full of terror. Approaching life and business from an oppositional perspective (right vs. wrong) is preparing us for a lonely and frankly boring journey.
Leaders know they don’t know, and know that the little they know today might be completely wrong by tomorrow. Finding new ways, exploring new stories, embracing the unknown, and accompanying people along, is the work of leaders.
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